So, BeliefNet has the “Belief-O-Matic” Quiz you can take to figure out what religious outlook’s beliefs are most like yours. Take it, if you like. I did. Here are the top 5 matches for me:

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Secular Humanism (98%)
3. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (88%)
4. Liberal Quakers (83%)
5. Nontheist (83%)

So, what’s wrong with this picture? Who the fuck is outscoring me for atheism, I want to know? Come on, I brainwash students out of their religion every semester, and I run a blog called “God is for Suckers!” So why don’t I score 100 on the atheist scale? Because I have moral views other than nihilistic egoism, apparently. Even with the strongest “no” possible to every question about God, the supernatural, and all that, apparently they score me less of an atheist because I (for example, question 17) think that “Social betterment programs (e.g., equality, anti-poverty, education) should be fundamental.” Because, you know, atheists don’t care about things like that.