The always-ripe Deuteronomy provides this week’s words from God. From chapter 23, verses 1-2, we get some of the rules on who can’t enter into the congregation of the Lord (and thus will be damned for eternity). I know these two would go at the top of my list:

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

So, be careful with the family jewels, guys — not just for all the obvious reasons, but because if you wound them, God won’t let you into the club of eternal salvation. And be tracing back that family tree, too. No illigitimate offspring among the last ten generations of ancestors, either — even if you believe, do good works for God, and whatever other shit He might ask. Makes sense though, right?