[Parental Advisory Notice: This commentary on scripture contains reference to hot all-girl action, cocksucking, and other stuff you might like to pretend your 12-year-old doesn’t know about.]

The excellent God Hates Shrimp was linked here the other day; along with the general attention to things gay these days, it got me to go back and ponder my Leviticus — and you all know how painful that can be. Leviticus 20:13 is, of course, the most central source for biblical condemnation of homosexuality:

If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death.

Of course, as I’ve noted before (”Some of the things you should kill people for“), this is the same section of Leviticus that says people should also be put to death for cursing their parents, committing adultery, sleeping with their in-laws, bestiality, and keeping a witch’s familiar.

What’s curious about this passage is that it doesn’t condemn anything but “a man who lies with a man as those who lie with a woman”. That means that there is absolutely no condemnation here of any of the following:

1. Hot all-girl action: Lesbians are totally in the clear, showing that even Yahweh realizes that aethetics can trump tight-assed morality.
2. Nellie bottoms: Since bottoms don’t actually lie with another man as a man who lies with a woman, but lie with another man more as a woman who lies with a man, they’re obviously in the clear.
3. Cocksuckers: Surely, since women don’t have penises, cocksucking is not doing anything as if with a woman. (OK, there might be some complexities that arise with the strap-on issue.)
4. Standing cocksuckees: Obviously standing up getting your dick sucked isn’t lying with anyone at all, and so also is in the clear.

And following the standard maxims of conversational implicature, the fact that God could have just as easily banned any sexual contact between same-sex pair, but clearly didn’t, it seems that unavoidable conclusion is that God is effectively endorsing all-girl action, guys taking it up the ass, cocksucking, and getting sucked off while standing up.

For a kinder and gentler take on this, the op-ed Some Biblical Laws are Still Honored, Some Widely Ignored asks the question kindly: What’s the difference between homosexuality and a ham sandwich?

If you haven’t heard where Mel “But Jesus Really Really Suffered” Gibson gets it, you should read one of the many interviews around with his Jew-hatin’ holocaust-denyin’ old man. Like this one: Interview: Hutton Gibson

Given all the discussion of how God hates gays, we should not forget that God Hates Shrimp, too.

The New York Times reports that the Boston Archdiocese released their sex abuse report.

The report shows that 162 of its priests have been accused of molesting 815 minors since 1950.

More than half of the incidents were linked to just seven priests, the report said.

Way at the bottom of the article is a note that seems to indicate the Archdiocese’s numbers are off.

Boston attorney Roderick MacLeish Jr., whose law firm won an unprecedented court ruling ordering the archdiocese to turn over the church personnel files for all priests who had an allegation of sexual abuse made against them, said he believes the archdiocese’s estimate is a little low.

“We actually believe — since we don’t have all the records — that the figure is much higher,'’ MacLeish said.

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Oh, the joys of living in Oklahoma: Bill Requiring Evolution Disclaimer Clears House

�I think it�s very important for children to know,� Graves said. �If they just believe that they came from some slime in a swamp that�s a whole lot different from being created in the image of God.�

According to the bill, any state school district textbook that discusses evolution would have to include a disclaimer that states, in part, �This textbook discusses evolution, a controversial theory which some scientists present as scientific explanation for the origin of living things, such as plants and humans. No one was present when life first appeared on earth. Therefore, any statement about life�s origins should be considered as theory, not fact.�

The disclaimer goes on to state, �Study hard and keep an open mind. Someday you may contribute to the theories of how living things appeared on earth.�

Yes, keep an open mind, and see if you can even entertain the notion that you weren’t designed by God. But no, you’ll never keep THAT much of an open mind, or think that much, now, will ya.

This ruling kinda took me by surprise: Top Court Upholds Religion Scholarship Ban

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. Supreme Court upheld on Wednesday a government scholarship program that bars any money for college students who pursue a degree in theology, an important ruling reaffirming church-state separation.

By a 7-2 vote, the high court declared Washington state’s program does not violate the constitutional right to the free exercise of religion. The program, which gives scholarships to needy and academically gifted students, excludes vocational religious instruction.

Obviously, Scalia and Thomas dissented.

In a 7-2 decision (only God’s Boy Scalia and his lap-dog Thomas dissenting), the Supremes strongly uphold the Washington State law that denies students preparing for careers in the clergy the same access to taxpayer-funded college aid that other students receive. Gotta say, I’m (pleasantly) surprised; I not only thought this might go the other way, but wouldn’t have been overly pissed if it had; this is one of those areas where it’s a little grey, I think.

But you have to see this as a good indicator for the cases (like the pledge) to come. Check it out: Justices Rule States May Deny College Aid to Clergy Studentsmiami accredited service corpof list creditors adelphiaunion american tacoma lake creditaccredited lexington childcare centers kyags accreditationsl accredited highland member angiecard tax credit 1040es paymentsagilent accreditation Map

I’m not a huge Andy Rooney fan, but he is an atheist, and occasionally, takes some potshots at religion that are sort of fun. In his Feb. 22nd bit “As God Told Me…”, he takes some fun shots at Pat Robertson’s “God told me Bush will win in a landslide” and Mel Gibson’s “Passion” by claiming that God spoke to him (Andy) too. And here’s what God told him:

“I wish you’d tell your viewers that both Pat Robertson and Mel Gibson strike me as wackos… Let me just say that I think I’d remember if I’d ever talked to Pat Robertson, and I’d remember if I said Bush would get re-elected in a blowout. As far as Mel Gibson goes, I haven’t seen his movie, ‘The Passion of the Christ,’ because it hasn’t opened up here yet. But I did catch Gibson being interviewed by Diane Sawyer. (I did something right when I came up with her, didn’t I?) Anyway, as I was saying, Mel is a real nut case. What in the world was I thinking when I created him? Listen, we all make mistakes.”

Always good to see religion made fun of in popular mainstream culture.