[Parental Advisory Notice: This commentary on scripture contains reference to hot all-girl action, cocksucking, and other stuff you might like to pretend your 12-year-old doesn't know about.]

The excellent God Hates Shrimp was linked here the other day; along with the general attention to things gay these days, it got me to go back and ponder my Leviticus — and you all know how painful that can be. Leviticus 20:13 is, of course, the most central source for biblical condemnation of homosexuality:

If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death.

Of course, as I’ve noted before (”Some of the things you should kill people for“), this is the same section of Leviticus that says people should also be put to death for cursing their parents, committing adultery, sleeping with their in-laws, bestiality, and keeping a witch’s familiar.

What’s curious about this passage is that it doesn’t condemn anything but “a man who lies with a man as those who lie with a woman”. That means that there is absolutely no condemnation here of any of the following:

1. Hot all-girl action: Lesbians are totally in the clear, showing that even Yahweh realizes that aethetics can trump tight-assed morality.
2. Nellie bottoms: Since bottoms don’t actually lie with another man as a man who lies with a woman, but lie with another man more as a woman who lies with a man, they’re obviously in the clear.
3. Cocksuckers: Surely, since women don’t have penises, cocksucking is not doing anything as if with a woman. (OK, there might be some complexities that arise with the strap-on issue.)
4. Standing cocksuckees: Obviously standing up getting your dick sucked isn’t lying with anyone at all, and so also is in the clear.

And following the standard maxims of conversational implicature, the fact that God could have just as easily banned any sexual contact between same-sex pair, but clearly didn’t, it seems that unavoidable conclusion is that God is effectively endorsing all-girl action, guys taking it up the ass, cocksucking, and getting sucked off while standing up.

For a kinder and gentler take on this, the op-ed Some Biblical Laws are Still Honored, Some Widely Ignored asks the question kindly: What’s the difference between homosexuality and a ham sandwich?

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