We get accused a lot around here of being a site devoted exclusively to bashing American Xians. Here’s a little fun which might help point out to some why we find ancient religions so laughable. There really isn’t much difference between the whacko ideas of ancient religions and the whacko ideas of more recently invented religions — it’s just that the former have the cultural advantage of thousands of years of brainwashing to make them seem more palatable.
[Shamelessly culled from various web sources.]
What Scientologists believe:
75 million years ago, there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu who was in charge of 76 planets in our sector of the galaxy, including planet Earth, whose name at that time was Teegeeack.
All of the planets Xenu controlled were overpopulated by, on average, 178 billion people. Social problems dictated that Xenu rid his sector of the galaxy of this overpopulation problem, so he developed a plan.
Xenu sent out tax audit demands to all these billions of people.
As each one entered the audit centers for the income tax inspections, the people were seized, held down and injected with a mixture of alcohol and glycol, then frozen. Then, all 13.5 trillion of these frozen people were put into spaceships that looked exactly like DC8 airplanes, except that the spaceships had rocket engines instead of propellers.
Xenu’s entire fleet of DC8-like spaceships then flew to planet Earth, where the frozen people were dumped in and around volcanoes in the Canary Islands and the Hawaiian Islands. When Xenu’s air force had finished dumping the bodies into the volcanoes, hydrogen bombs were dropped into the volcanoes and the frozen space aliens were destroyed.
However, Xenu’s plan involved setting up electronic traps in Teegeeack’s atmosphere which were designed to trap the souls or spirits of the dead space aliens. When the 13.5 trillion spirits were being blown around on the nuclear winds, the electronic traps worked like a charm and captured all the souls in the electronic, sticky flypaper-like traps.
The spirits of the aliens were then taken to huge multiplex cinemas that Xenu had previously instructed his forces to build on Teegeeack. In these movie theaters the spirits had to spend many days watching special 3-D movies, the purpose of which was twofold: 1) to implant into these spirits a false reality, i.e. the reality that WOGS (L. Ron Hubbard’s term for anyone not a Scientologist) know on Earth today; and, 2) to control these spirits for all eternity so that they could never cause trouble for Xenu in this sector of the Galaxy. During these films, many false pictures were implanted into these spirits, which resulted in the spirits believing in all the things that control mankind on Earth today, including religion. The concept of religion, including God, Christ, Mohammed, Moses etc., were all an implanted false reality that to this very minute is used to control WOGS on Earth.
What the Nation of Islam believes:
Elijah Muhammad taught his followers about a “Mother Plane” or “Wheel”, a UFO he said was seen and described in the visions of the prophet Ezekiel in the Book of Ezekiel, in the Hebrew Bible.
Now as I looked at the living creatures, I saw a wheel on the earth beside the living creatures, one for each of the four of them. As for the appearance of the wheels and their construction: their appearance was like the gleaming of beryl. And the four had the same likeness, their appearance and construction being as it were a wheel within a wheel. When they went, they went in any of their four directions without turning as they went. And their rims were tall and awesome, and the rims of all four were full of eyes all around. - Book of Ezekiel Chapter 1:15-18, Bible, English Standard Version
Louis Farrakhan, commenting on his teacher’s description said:
“The Honorable Elijah Muhammad told us of a giant Mother Plane that is made like the universe, spheres within spheres. White people call them unidentified flying objects (UFOs). Ezekiel, in the Old Testament, saw a wheel that looked like a cloud by day but a pillar of fire by night. The Hon. Elijah Muhammad said that that wheel was built on the island of Nippon, which is now called Japan, by some of the original scientists. It took 15 billion dollars in gold at that time to build it. It is made of the toughest steel. America does not yet know the composition of the steel used to make an instrument like it. It is a circular plane, and the Bible says that it never makes turns. Because of its circular nature it can stop and travel in all directions at speeds of thousands of miles per hour. He said there are 1,500 small wheels in this mother wheel which is a half mile by a half mile. This Mother Wheel is like a small human-built planet. Each one of these small planes carry three bombs.
“The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said these planes were used to set up mountains on the earth. The Qur’an says it like this: ‘We have raised mountains on the earth lest it convulse with you.’ How do you raise a mountain, and what is the purpose of a mountain? Have you ever tried to balance a tire? You use weights to keep the tire balanced. That’s how the earth is balanced, with mountain ranges. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said that we have a type of bomb that, when it strikes the earth a drill on it is timed to go into the earth and explode at the height that you wish the mountain to be. If you wish to take the mountain up a mile, you time the drill to go a mile in and then explode. The bombs these planes have are timed to go one mile down and bring up a mountain one mile high, but it will destroy everything within a 50 square mile radius. The white man writes in his above top secret memos of the UFOs. He sees them around his military installations like they are spying.
“That Mother Wheel is a dreadful looking thing. White folks are making movies now to make these planes look like fiction, but it is based on something real. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said that the Mother Plane is so powerful that with sound reverberating in the atmosphere, just with a sound, she can crumble buildings.”
In 1995, Farrakhan claimed he’d been abducted by aliens and that he communicates with late Nation of Islam leader Elijah Muhammad on a regular basis. Elijah Muhammad, apparently, is orbiting Earth in a giant spaceship.
What the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) believe:
- around 600 B.C. a band of Hebrews left Jerusalem shortly before the
Babylonian army overran the city — these Hebrew refugees sailed west
across the Atlantic and founded a mighty civilization in both the North
and South American continents
- according to the Book of Mormon (the third [Newer] Testament of holy
scripture, translated by Joseph Smith from gold plates inscribed by the
North American Hebrews) Jesus Christ manifested himself several times in
the Americas after His resurrection to supplement His Middle Eastern
visitations
- church members are Israelites (Abraham’s true descendants), and the
“Israel” to which Jesus Christ will address Himself is presently
headquartered in Salt Lake City, Utah
- in order to get to the highest heaven when you die, you have to have
your paperwork straightened out; specifically, the “temple recommend”
— a form annually filled out in triplicate by a church representative
- if you do die with a temple recommend and are found worthy by the
Mormon God (”Elohim”), you will be granted godhood and given your own
corner of the universe to administer
- Elohim lives on or near the planet Kolob (somewhere in our galaxy), and
one Kolob day is exactly 1000 Earth years in duration
- Elohim wants you to wear special underwear (temple garments) during
practically all of your waking hours, to remind you of the covenants
between you and Him
- you need to research your genealogy as far back as possible, in order to
bring your non-Mormon ancestors into the church by means of posthumous
baptism by proxy
- since the end of the world is almost here (believed by many LDS members
to arrive on the year 2000 — oops!), your family is required to keep a one-year
food supply for the impending cataclysm
- by divine inspiration, also known as “discernment”, the officials of the
church have the power to read “the thoughts and intent of the heart” –
by this they mean telepathy, not cardiology
What Christian Scientists believe:
Mary Baker Eddy formed the First Church of Christ, Scientist in 1879. Eddy had been chronically ill throughout her life and had tried various methods to overcome her poor health. Eddy began reading the Bible and was supposedly healed of injuries she sustained in a fall. Eddy believed that God had cured her and she organized her ideas of spiritual healing into a book, “Science and Health.”
In Eddy’s teachings, God formed humankind in his image with no room for error. Therefore, humankind can stay healthy without the use of medicines and surgeries.
According to Eddy, the central fact of the Bible is the superiority of spiritual over physical power. Telepathy is practiced in Christian Science treatment. Christian Science claims to prove through the healing of disease and other difficulties that the understanding of God and his spiritual creation is as effective now as it was in Jesus’ time. Its adherents, therefore, rely on “divine law” in times of sickness instead of resorting to medical and other material means. Christian Scientists do not use doctors, medicine, or immunizations. Christian Science “practitioners” are used to “help people through the false reality of illness.” Instead of medicine, proper prayer and training are employed to battle the “non-reality” of illness.
The right of Christian Science parents to withhold medical treatment from their children has been challenged many times in court, and in some cases, Christian Scientists have been brought to trial for letting their children die, untreated, for otherwise curable ailments.
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Well, there you have it. So while we are at it, can you please cure my leprosy and turn my water into wine? Thanks.
Remember “limbo,” and all those unbaptised babies?
