We get accused a lot around here of being a site devoted exclusively to bashing American Xians. Here’s a little fun which might help point out to some why we find ancient religions so laughable. There really isn’t much difference between the whacko ideas of ancient religions and the whacko ideas of more recently invented religions — it’s just that the former have the cultural advantage of thousands of years of brainwashing to make them seem more palatable.
[Shamelessly culled from various web sources.]
What Scientologists believe:
75 million years ago, there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu who was in charge of 76 planets in our sector of the galaxy, including planet Earth, whose name at that time was Teegeeack.
All of the planets Xenu controlled were overpopulated by, on average, 178 billion people. Social problems dictated that Xenu rid his sector of the galaxy of this overpopulation problem, so he developed a plan.
Xenu sent out tax audit demands to all these billions of people.
As each one entered the audit centers for the income tax inspections, the people were seized, held down and injected with a mixture of alcohol and glycol, then frozen. Then, all 13.5 trillion of these frozen people were put into spaceships that looked exactly like DC8 airplanes, except that the spaceships had rocket engines instead of propellers.
Xenu’s entire fleet of DC8-like spaceships then flew to planet Earth, where the frozen people were dumped in and around volcanoes in the Canary Islands and the Hawaiian Islands. When Xenu’s air force had finished dumping the bodies into the volcanoes, hydrogen bombs were dropped into the volcanoes and the frozen space aliens were destroyed.
However, Xenu’s plan involved setting up electronic traps in Teegeeack’s atmosphere which were designed to trap the souls or spirits of the dead space aliens. When the 13.5 trillion spirits were being blown around on the nuclear winds, the electronic traps worked like a charm and captured all the souls in the electronic, sticky flypaper-like traps.
The spirits of the aliens were then taken to huge multiplex cinemas that Xenu had previously instructed his forces to build on Teegeeack. In these movie theaters the spirits had to spend many days watching special 3-D movies, the purpose of which was twofold: 1) to implant into these spirits a false reality, i.e. the reality that WOGS (L. Ron Hubbard’s term for anyone not a Scientologist) know on Earth today; and, 2) to control these spirits for all eternity so that they could never cause trouble for Xenu in this sector of the Galaxy. During these films, many false pictures were implanted into these spirits, which resulted in the spirits believing in all the things that control mankind on Earth today, including religion. The concept of religion, including God, Christ, Mohammed, Moses etc., were all an implanted false reality that to this very minute is used to control WOGS on Earth.
What the Nation of Islam believes:
Elijah Muhammad taught his followers about a “Mother Plane” or “Wheel”, a UFO he said was seen and described in the visions of the prophet Ezekiel in the Book of Ezekiel, in the Hebrew Bible.
Now as I looked at the living creatures, I saw a wheel on the earth beside the living creatures, one for each of the four of them. As for the appearance of the wheels and their construction: their appearance was like the gleaming of beryl. And the four had the same likeness, their appearance and construction being as it were a wheel within a wheel. When they went, they went in any of their four directions without turning as they went. And their rims were tall and awesome, and the rims of all four were full of eyes all around. - Book of Ezekiel Chapter 1:15-18, Bible, English Standard Version
Louis Farrakhan, commenting on his teacher’s description said:
“The Honorable Elijah Muhammad told us of a giant Mother Plane that is made like the universe, spheres within spheres. White people call them unidentified flying objects (UFOs). Ezekiel, in the Old Testament, saw a wheel that looked like a cloud by day but a pillar of fire by night. The Hon. Elijah Muhammad said that that wheel was built on the island of Nippon, which is now called Japan, by some of the original scientists. It took 15 billion dollars in gold at that time to build it. It is made of the toughest steel. America does not yet know the composition of the steel used to make an instrument like it. It is a circular plane, and the Bible says that it never makes turns. Because of its circular nature it can stop and travel in all directions at speeds of thousands of miles per hour. He said there are 1,500 small wheels in this mother wheel which is a half mile by a half mile. This Mother Wheel is like a small human-built planet. Each one of these small planes carry three bombs.
“The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said these planes were used to set up mountains on the earth. The Qur’an says it like this: ‘We have raised mountains on the earth lest it convulse with you.’ How do you raise a mountain, and what is the purpose of a mountain? Have you ever tried to balance a tire? You use weights to keep the tire balanced. That’s how the earth is balanced, with mountain ranges. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said that we have a type of bomb that, when it strikes the earth a drill on it is timed to go into the earth and explode at the height that you wish the mountain to be. If you wish to take the mountain up a mile, you time the drill to go a mile in and then explode. The bombs these planes have are timed to go one mile down and bring up a mountain one mile high, but it will destroy everything within a 50 square mile radius. The white man writes in his above top secret memos of the UFOs. He sees them around his military installations like they are spying.
“That Mother Wheel is a dreadful looking thing. White folks are making movies now to make these planes look like fiction, but it is based on something real. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad said that the Mother Plane is so powerful that with sound reverberating in the atmosphere, just with a sound, she can crumble buildings.”
In 1995, Farrakhan claimed he’d been abducted by aliens and that he communicates with late Nation of Islam leader Elijah Muhammad on a regular basis. Elijah Muhammad, apparently, is orbiting Earth in a giant spaceship.
What the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) believe:
- around 600 B.C. a band of Hebrews left Jerusalem shortly before the
Babylonian army overran the city — these Hebrew refugees sailed west
across the Atlantic and founded a mighty civilization in both the North
and South American continents - according to the Book of Mormon (the third [Newer] Testament of holy
scripture, translated by Joseph Smith from gold plates inscribed by the
North American Hebrews) Jesus Christ manifested himself several times in
the Americas after His resurrection to supplement His Middle Eastern
visitations - church members are Israelites (Abraham’s true descendants), and the
“Israel” to which Jesus Christ will address Himself is presently
headquartered in Salt Lake City, Utah - in order to get to the highest heaven when you die, you have to have
your paperwork straightened out; specifically, the “temple recommend”
— a form annually filled out in triplicate by a church representative - if you do die with a temple recommend and are found worthy by the
Mormon God (”Elohim”), you will be granted godhood and given your own
corner of the universe to administer - Elohim lives on or near the planet Kolob (somewhere in our galaxy), and
one Kolob day is exactly 1000 Earth years in duration - Elohim wants you to wear special underwear (temple garments) during
practically all of your waking hours, to remind you of the covenants
between you and Him - you need to research your genealogy as far back as possible, in order to
bring your non-Mormon ancestors into the church by means of posthumous
baptism by proxy - since the end of the world is almost here (believed by many LDS members
to arrive on the year 2000 — oops!), your family is required to keep a one-year
food supply for the impending cataclysm - by divine inspiration, also known as “discernment”, the officials of the
church have the power to read “the thoughts and intent of the heart” –
by this they mean telepathy, not cardiology
What Christian Scientists believe:
Mary Baker Eddy formed the First Church of Christ, Scientist in 1879. Eddy had been chronically ill throughout her life and had tried various methods to overcome her poor health. Eddy began reading the Bible and was supposedly healed of injuries she sustained in a fall. Eddy believed that God had cured her and she organized her ideas of spiritual healing into a book, “Science and Health.”
In Eddy’s teachings, God formed humankind in his image with no room for error. Therefore, humankind can stay healthy without the use of medicines and surgeries.
According to Eddy, the central fact of the Bible is the superiority of spiritual over physical power. Telepathy is practiced in Christian Science treatment. Christian Science claims to prove through the healing of disease and other difficulties that the understanding of God and his spiritual creation is as effective now as it was in Jesus’ time. Its adherents, therefore, rely on “divine law” in times of sickness instead of resorting to medical and other material means. Christian Scientists do not use doctors, medicine, or immunizations. Christian Science “practitioners” are used to “help people through the false reality of illness.” Instead of medicine, proper prayer and training are employed to battle the “non-reality” of illness.
The right of Christian Science parents to withhold medical treatment from their children has been challenged many times in court, and in some cases, Christian Scientists have been brought to trial for letting their children die, untreated, for otherwise curable ailments.
——
Well, there you have it. So while we are at it, can you please cure my leprosy and turn my water into wine? Thanks.
this is my favorite neo-religion: http://www.rael.org
it makes even the scientologists seem somewhat sane.
from their site:
“HUMAN SCIENTISTS FROM ANOTHER PLANET CREATED ALL LIFE ON EARTH USING DNA.
Traces of this epic masterpiece of creation can be found in all religious writings and traditions. It is to them that Moses, Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed referred. It is now time to welcome them.
WHAT HAPPENED?
On the 13th of December 1973, French journalist Rael was contacted by a visitor from another planet, and asked to establish an Embassy to welcome these people back to Earth.
The extra-terrestrial human being was a little over four feet tall, had long dark hair, almond shaped eyes, olive skin, and exuded harmony and humor. Rael recently described him by saying quite simply, “If he were to walk down a street in Japan, he would not even be noticed.” In other words, they look like us, and we look like them. In fact, we were created “in their image” as explained in the Bible.
He told Rael that:
“We were the ones who designed all life on earth”
“You mistook us for gods”
“We were at the origin of your main religions”
“Now that you are mature enough to understand this,we would like to enter official contact through an embassy”
THE MESSAGES
The messages dictated to Rael explain that life on Earth is not the result of random evolution, nor the work of a supernatural ‘God’. It is a deliberate creation, using DNA, by a scientifically advanced people who made human beings literally “in their image” — what one can call “scientific creationism.” References to these scientists and their work, as well as to their symbol of infinity, can be found in the ancient texts of many cultures. For example, in Genesis, the Biblical account of Creation, the word “Elohim” has been mistranslated as the singular word “God”, but it is actually a plural word which means “those who came from the sky”, and the singular is “Eloha” (also known as “Allah”). Indigenous cultures all over the world remember these “gods” who came from the sky, including natives of Africa (Dogon, Twa, etc.), America, Asia, Australia, and Europe.
Leaving our humanity to progress by itself, the Elohim nevertheless maintained contact with us via prophets including Buddha, Moses, Mohammed, etc., all specially chosen and educated by them. The role of the prophets was to progressively educate humanity through the Messages they taught, each adapted to the culture and level of understanding at the time. They were also to leave traces of the Elohim so that we would be able to recognize them as our Creators and fellow human beings when we had advanced enough scientifically to understand them. Jesus, whose father was an Eloha, was given the task of spreading these messages throughout the world in preparation for this crucial time in which we are now privileged to live: the predicted Age Of Revelation.
And most important of all, read the book, “Intelligent Design - Message from the Designers” the book which will revolutionize your thinking, transform your life and which is already changing the world.”
um . . .. please PLEASE for the love of fake and phoney christ tell me none of these are true. This isn’t really what people believe . . .is it?
Ooh yeah. Of course, a lot of these cults (that’s the right word for it, isn’t it? Christianity was a cult in the beginning — cult status seems to be based on sheer numbers; the less of you, the more likely you are still just a cult) are highly secretive and dispute that they believe some of these things. Or, more often, they are silent on the subject. You have to get deeper into most of them, become more devoted, move up the ladder so to speak, before these whacko “truths” are revealed to you.
There is so much more. Like how Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism, would stick his head in a hat with a “seer stone” in order to read the gold tablets on which the word of the angel Moroni (part moron, part macaroni, I guess) had written the Book of Mormon. Of course, nobody else could see this writing but him.
Wahoo. Religion is fun.
Sorry, gotta run. I am late for my meeting at the Order of Skull and Bones.
I’m not sure which one is wackier or do they only seem wackier because the big religions have been around longer and are more ingrained in the culture?
I’m sure the bible seemed pretty wacky 2000 years ago. Dead rising from the grave, plagues of locusts and raining frogs, talking burning bushes, etc, probably all seem very fantastic to someone who sits in a field tending sheep all day.
Actually, it probably made a lot of sense to a primitive meathead who knew nothing of the later discoveries of Galileo, Newton, Darwin, Pasteur.
What I find mind-boggling is that people in the 21st Century, with so much knowledge at their fingertips, should still choose to believe such simple-minded tripe.
“I am careful not to hold mankind responsible for its mental disorders. But my feeling changes, breaks out, as soon as I enter modern times, our time. Our time knows better.” [AC,38]
As strange as every one of these belief systems seems (and they do seem strange), I don’t find any of them any less plausible than Christianity. In fact, I’m fairly confident that there is no evidence to support any of them, just as there is no evidence to support any of the wild claims Christians make.
Actually, the more I think about, its seems to me that Scientology is in fact the most plausible religion I’ve ever heard of. Sure, its nothing but really, really bad science fiction, but very little of it (aside from the souls/thetans thing) is actually out-and-out impossible. Weird. Maybe Tom Cruise and John Travolta are on to something after all… time to add Battlefield Earth to my Netflix queue!
Not to go too far off topic, but my wife and I just saw a television ad for tonight’s “Wife Swap”- an atheist switches places with a pastor’s wife. Although it is reality television, *brrr*, I am quite interested in seeing how the atheists hold their ground.
And yes, all those neo-religions are nucking futs.
Levendis,
You’ve seen “Operation Clambake”, yeah?
Marcus - not lately, thanks for the reminder
After seeing part of the episode, I must say that the atheists were quite uninspiring and I would not ask them to be on my side of any issue. I dearly hope it was only the miracle of editing that made them look so dysfunctional.
Yeah, I’ve never been a big fan of the Infidel Guy — a little too whiny. Who knows what they did in editing, but he didn’t come off well. And his wife seems nice but like her thorazine dose is too high. Preacher’s wife was the only one who came off as pretty sane and reasonable.
It’s called editing, kids. Reality t.v. is anything but.
I couldn’t watch the ep. I couldn’t watch yet another “let’s slander the atheists” crapfest by asshole xtians. From what I’m reading on Reggie’s website, that’s pretty much what it was.
I saw that episode last night. Very unrepresentative of any critical thinking atheist I’ve ever met. The woman made a rule none of us would’ve ever made - no prayer!
Fuck, I’d encourage prayer - pray for your dinner, the house payment, the bills, someone to drive you to school, someone to do your homework, etc. When the kids saw how useless this is, I think they’d get the idea on their own.
Problem #2: When confronted with the question “Why does xianity help millions of people in their lives?”, the atheist was stopped in his tracks! Damn, there are 5 million things I could say to that. Like…so does raping children?
Lya,
All the editing in the worldn’t prevent me from losing respect for that guy after his crybaby fit. I predict a drop in his subscriptions. Also, compared to the Trading Spouses God Warrior, the pastor guy seems somewhat normal.
“I predict a drop in his subscriptions. ”
And the opposite has happened so far. Thanks for playing.
[…] Congratulations go to Sean who wonderfully and recently summarized Scientology. This prescient move in lieu of this development will probably make our resident Xian fundie commenters breathe a sigh of relief as we proceed to mock the likes of Tom Cruise and John Travolta (I can imagine their reactions to this “Wait… I changed my mind!”). […]
And the opposite has happened so far. Thanks for playing.
Jeez, catty much?
You need to get your facts straight before blasting any religion. Perhaps I’m casting pearls before swine, but regarding the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) to which I belong, below are corrections to your post on what I, and other adherents, believe:
1 - the purpose of the temple recommend is not to get to the highest-degree of heaven, but rather a document stating you are living your life righteously to the best of your abilities and are worthy to enter into the temple.
2 - the idea of Kolob, as suggested by past prophets, is a place near where God resides is not in this galaxy. It may not be a planet at all. In fact, some believe it to be a metaphoracial reference to being close to God.
3 - God’s name, Elohiem, is not a title specific to Mormon doctrine, but is also found in other ancient texts of scripture of other religions. It is not used out of respect for diety, but rather the term God is used when speaking of Him.
4 - There is no such thing as a “Mormon God,” but rather the same god common to all faiths. Religions just believe him to have different attributes or names. Allah, God, or whatever one may call him, he remains the same, one person.
5 - Proxy baptisms for the deseased do not “bring non-Mormons” into the church. The ceremony enables those who were not able to receive the gospel and covenants in their mortal life to accept or reject the ordinance and covenant.
6 - The teaching by the church of preparedness, including the practice of maintaining 72-hr. kits and one-year supply of food is not to prepare for the end of the world, but rather is a preparation for any kind of natural disaster or life-altering event, such as long-term unemployment. It is a principle of self reliance. Just ask any Mormon who lived in New Orleans. You will find that for this reason alone, rates of those who collect government welfare among church members is well below the national average.
7 - The LDS church did not teach, nor did it’s members believe the end of the world would come in the year 2000. Cerainly, we believe in Christ’s second coming as he taught in the Bible after his resurrection, but we believe no one knows when that will be.
8 - The LDS church does not believe it’s leaders have telepathic powers to know others thoughts.
If you’re going to bash religions, at least bash the doctrines that they teach instead of making up false ones and then bashing those.
Ummm, maybe outta the loop here. Who TF is Reggie?
Garrett:
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) to which I belong
You have my sympathies.
the idea of Kolob, as suggested by past prophets, is a place near where God resides is not in this galaxy. It may not be a planet at all. In fact, some believe it to be a metaphoracial reference to being close to God.
Thanks for setting me straight on that. For a second I thought the whole idea of “Kolob” sounded retarded.
There is no such thing as a “Mormon God,” but rather the same god common to all faiths. Religions just believe him to have different attributes or names. Allah, God, or whatever one may call him, he remains the same, one person.
Yup. All faiths. Same god. Exactly the same Dude. Even Hindus and Buddhists, though they haven’t quite figured out how to squish their pantheons into our monotheism yet. But they will.
The LDS church does not believe it’s leaders have telepathic powers to know others thoughts.
Sorry for spreading rumors and whacko ideas about such a sane religion as to consider twelve corrupt, extremely powerful businessmen to be literal living apostles of Christ.
You will find that for this reason alone, rates of those who collect government welfare among church members is well below the national average.
And here I thought it was because you are mostly a bunch of rich white people.
I have some friends who escaped from your fucked up, money-hungry religion long ago. Hallelujah.
Man, what bullshit apologistic whining to make it seem like LDS isn’t just absolutely undiluted nutty mind-spooge. Tell us some more lies, Smith-follower. ‘Cuz that stuff Sean gave is mostly the truth, and you are just doing the Utah Squirm to try to make it seem like you’re just nice people who don’t drink coffee.
What I really want to know is: Where is our Scientology apologist, dammit?
Garret,
Your wife is hot- did you make her convert?
“Jeez, catty much? ”
Pout much?
Garret,
Quit oppressing Sean. He can interpret the word however he wants! I think Joseph Smith was a homosexual axe-wielding serial killer personally.
Proxy baptisms for the deseased do not “bring non-Mormons” into the church. The ceremony enables those who were not able to receive the gospel and covenants in their mortal life to accept or reject the ordinance and covenant.
Quick question, Garrett: Why would anyone ever do such a ceremony at all when it’s completely obvious that you would never have any idea what these DEAD PEOPLE have actually “decided?” Know what, Garrett? Just pass the bong over here, dude, and quit hoggin’ it…
Your information on Christian Science is broad and not entirely correct or accurate. Christian Scientists do not use telepathy as a form of healing. Telepathy implies mental communication, which is not what Christian Science healing is at all. Christian Science treatment is done through prayer and the understanding of man’s reality as a spiritual being, not material. This realization alone heals, and is based on the Bible, which states that man is made in the “image and likeness of God.” Christian Scientists DO NOT communicate to each other through their thoughts as a method of treatment. And though you reference cases that have gone to court through seeming neglect of medical attention, it is important to note that the teachings of Mary Baker Eddy, based on the study of the Bible, have successfully and often instantaneously healed millions of people all over the world. Patients receiving medical treatment have also died, so it is not fair to say that treatment through prayer is a way of neglecting the ill, or that Christian Scientists “let” them die (as you wrote).
Patients receiving medical treatment have also died, so it is not fair to say that treatment through prayer is a way of neglecting the ill, or that Christian Scientists “let” them die (as you wrote). –
Well, first, the phrase “letting them die” makes perfect sense in this context, i.e., when one can stop an illness with something easily available (infections and antibiotics), but refuses to administer it due to some wacko belief. Granted, it may not have been one’s intention to have the other person die, but it’s not clear how relevant that intention is given our evaluation of what happened. (That’s why people can be found guilty in court.) Second, the analogy between a failed-prayer-attempt and a failed-medical-attempt is fallacious in two respects. (a) Failed medical attempts occur in radically different contexts, i.e., where prognoses and diagnoses are made given a background of available information, and where it wasn’t clear to any reasonable agent, at that time and given that information, that anything else could have been done or worked. (b) This analogy, if granted, entails a completely unreasonable burden on medical treatments, i.e., unless every person treated medically is cured, then faith-healing is just as justified as medicine.
it is important to note that the teachings of Mary Baker Eddy, based on the study of the Bible, have successfully and often instantaneously healed millions of people all over the world.
That’s a pretty big claim Chrissie. Perhaps you’d like to provide some evidence? Until then, I say you made that up.
Rockstar,
Proof of Christian Science healing can be found in the following books, periodicals and websites (listed in no particular order):
1. Science and Health, with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy (the Chapter titled Fruitage is specifically dedicated to records of healings)
2. The Christian Science Sentinel (published every 2 weeks)
3. Mary Baker Eddy: Christian Healer by Yvonne Cache von Fettweis and Robert Townsend Warneck
4. SPIRITUALITY.COM
These are just a few sources of where people from the 1800s to today have written about their experience and success with using Christian Science for healing.
Christian Science focuses on the lost element of healing that Christ Jesus demonstrated in the Bible. He did not use medicine or material means to heal people (aside from the mud he used to cover the blind man’s eyes).
Chrissie says:
Proof of Christian Science healing can be found in the following books, periodicals and websites (listed in no particular order):
1. Science and Health, with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy (the Chapter titled Fruitage is specifically dedicated to records of healings)
2. The Christian Science Sentinel (published every 2 weeks)
3. Mary Baker Eddy: Christian Healer by Yvonne Cache von Fettweis and Robert Townsend Warneck
4. SPIRITUALITY.COM
This is the crux of almost every argument we get into with believers on this blog. Every one of these sources is a Christian Science Publication. Jebus, how gullible do you have to be?
“Christian Science is proven to work because… um, dozens of Christian Scientist publications say so.”
This is a lack of critical thinking beyond my comprehension. Go back to elementary school and start over, friend.
Sean:
That’s just another version of “do the research yourself”. Obviously there have been no DBTs on xian “science”. Insurance companies (trust me, your Rockstar knows) won’t cover xian “scientists” most of the time. If they become ill, they never get better.