Are cocksucking and carpet-munching abominations?
28 January 2006 by RonOne of our more pathetic and moronic Xian drive-by public masturba– er, testifiers, “follower of GOD” dropped off the famous Leviticus passage about the “abomination” of “lying with mankind as with womankind”. Instead of deleting the comment for being insipidly and mindlessly X-droid-like, I decided to take it as an opportunity to rerun an older post about such matters. Because, you know, it’s less work than writing something new.
Ham, shrimp, abominations, and a guide to gay sexual positions
[Parental Advisory Notice: This commentary on scripture contains reference to hot all-girl action, cocksucking, and other stuff you might like to pretend your 12-year-old doesn't know about.]
The excellent God Hates Shrimp was linked here the other day; along with the general attention to things gay these days, it got me to go back and ponder my Leviticus — and you all know how painful that can be. Leviticus 20:13 is, of course, the most central source for biblical condemnation of homosexuality.
If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death.
Of course, as I’ve noted before (”Some of the things you should kill people for“), this is the same section of Leviticus that says people should also be put to death for cursing their parents, committing adultery, sleeping with their in-laws, bestiality, and keeping a witch’s familiar.
What’s curious about this passage is that it doesn’t condemn anything but "a man who lies with a man as those who lie with a woman". That means that there is absolutely no condemnation here of any of the following:
- Hot all-girl action: Lesbians are totally in the clear, showing that even Yahweh realizes that aesthetics can trump tight-assed morality.
- Nellie bottoms: Since bottoms don’t actually lie with another man as a man who lies with a woman, but lie with another man more as a woman who lies with a man, they’re obviously in the clear.
- Cocksuckers: Surely, since women don’t have penises, cocksucking is not doing anything as if with a woman. (OK, there might be some complexities that arise with the strap-on issue.)
- Standing cocksuckees: Obviously standing up getting your dick sucked isn’t lying with anyone at all, and so also is in the clear.
And following the standard maxims of conversational implicature, the fact that God could have just as easily banned any sexual contact between same-sex pair, but clearly didn’t, it seems that unavoidable conclusion is that God is effectively endorsing all-girl action, guys taking it up the ass, cocksucking, and getting sucked off while standing up.
For a kinder and gentler take on this, the op-ed “Some Biblical Laws are Still Honored, Some Widely Ignored” asks the question kindly: What’s the difference between homosexuality and a ham sandwich?
(If you want, you can check out more Biblical tastiness at the GifS Collected Sunday Bible Passages.)
28 January 2006, on 8:51 am
Once again, Ron’s looking to get all those Google hits…
28 January 2006, on 9:02 am
Awesome post, Ron. In anticipation of Valentine’s Day, I say GifS should get hornier and hornier in the coming weeks! As Bob points out, it can only do our traffic a service!
29 January 2006, on 3:55 am
When I find myself in some pointless but inevitable Internet war with a Christer who starts yammering about the abomination of sex out of wedlock, porn, and so on, I enjoy boasting to him or her about all the pussy I get. Because I think a lot of these people wish deep down that sex wasn’t such a guilt-inducing act or temptation, I reckon I’m rubbing it in their faces (my freedom from conflicts of conscience, that is, not a pussy).
29 January 2006, on 11:03 am
I don’t “get” a huge amount of “pussy”, but I have had a good sex life. Funny… I know many women who “get” more “dick” than most men I know “get pussy” — and many gay men who get more dick than anyone in creation rightfully deserves — but yes, it is about what one is taught to accept. Even some theists believe that monogamy is learned, rather than a biological imperative.
If you think that article is contradictory to what I just said, note this passage:
“‘Mono’ means one and ‘gamy’ means spouse,” Fisher said. “That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being faithful to that spouse; it just means you have one spouse.”
She also said that humans have three main drives: sex, romantic love and attachment, and the sex drive can overcome feelings of attachment.
Anybody who has known a couple that have been together for decades, and one — or both — of them is now dying for some sexual variety (why are so many swingers in their 40s and 50s?) understands what I mean.
Apologies to those who live in Baby Jeebusland. I know swinging, open relationships, having sex with more than one person in your entire life, might be alien to everything you have ever witnessed. Again, I live in San Francisco. Just pretend I am writing this from Amsterdam.
29 January 2006, on 4:49 pm
Ron, that picture cracks me up. Where did you find that?
29 January 2006, on 6:34 pm
“Gay sex” into google images. Because, I didn’t have anything like that around. Honest.
4 February 2006, on 4:50 am
As long as we’re taking this seriously, I think your conclusion #2 is incorrect. It says “_both_ of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death.”; that sounds to me like it would apply to the bottom as well as the top.
Now, where’s that shrimp?
4 February 2006, on 7:35 am
Damn, good point, Todd.
Boys: Be sure to fuck your buddy in his ass, not his vagina.
There. I think that should fix it.
Cheesburber, Cheesburger, Cheeseburger.
28 February 2006, on 5:54 pm
Editor’s note: Again, a clear violation of the spam policy. But so truly idiotic that I felt I had to share. This is a real, unedited comment.
Well Ron, for One thing, God created Us in His Image.
He created Male and Female.Adam&Eve Not Adam & Steve!
God created Us to be Fruitful and multiply, and with your statements
of abomination well with all that abomination how could we ever survive? For Girl on girl makes no multiplicity and nithier does man on man. So answer that Dear boy on how to servive without getting everyone sexuial disises and dieing because of their abominations,
but I’m sure you’ll come up with some lame dimwitted answer to this statement!
21 March 2006, on 8:58 pm
Just came upon this while browsing.
Do you think Philip’s still around?
Started to reply but just went “meh” - now I see what you guys mean about shooting fish in a barrel.
21 March 2006, on 10:32 pm
Eve: Nah. Drive-by.
“Adam&Eve Not Adam & Steve”
That has been for several years now top of my list of most asinine fundie bumper sticker slogans.