Forget all that Adam and Eve crap and the rest of Genesis. Assume that the tales of Exodus may or may not be true and it matters not in the least if they are. That leaves us at the troubling Leviticus. I’m game, how ’bout you?

LEVITICUS

1:1

And the rules shall be simple, concise, and not subject to interpretation.

1:2

And killing shall be done only in self-defense- defined as immediate threat to one’s own life- or to stop the perpetration of a grave offense to humanity such as genocide- or ethnic cleansing.

1:3

And turning the other cheek is the preferred method of dealing with conflict but sometimes the person doing the initial striking needs his ass handed to him.

1:4

And guns are for cowards who are unable to defend themselves mano a mano or for hunters who, unless the meat is needed for survival, are pretty much the same thing.

1:5

And they who would declare War must first offer up all their age eligible kin to man the trenches, as it were. Flesh in the game, you know. You hear me, Bush twins?

1:6

And thievery shall only be mitigated by the need to feed one’s family, not one’s habit nor one’s accustomed lifestyle and it must be done without bodily harm to any.

1:7

And all those ridiculous “kosher” or “halal” laws are hereby rescinded. Go have a lobster wrapped in bacon, you know you want to.

1:8

“And the men who hold high places must be the ones to start to mould a new reality, closer to the heart…”

1:9

And all mind-altering drugs shall be legal, quality controlled, and taxed by the government, with the proceeds going to a state of the art national treatment system.

1:10

And they who perpetrate cruelty on animals shall have the same cruelty performed on them.

1:11

And they who commit crimes of hatred shall also have the same done to them.

1:12

And marriage shall be the joining together of two consenting adults, regardless of their gender, in celebration of their love for one another.

1:13

And Rick Santorum shall marry a male Irish Wolfhound named “Woody”. And John Cornyn shall marry a Box Turtle named “Speedy”.

1:14

And those who neglect, abuse, or rape children shall be physically castrated and branded on the forehead with the letter “P”. This will make NAMBLA a circus sideshow eunuch troop.

1:15

And those who claim to have spoken with me are lying because I am not here and I do not speak.

1:16

And Iiiiiieeeeiiiieeeeiiiii will always love youwuwuwuwuwuwuwu.

1:17

And, since there is no such place that is a “holy land”, what is now Israel shall be razed flat, irrigated, and sewn with cedar trees. The Vatican shall become a museum with all it’s hoarded treasures on display and the pope as your friendly fascist tour guide. And that big, black rock at Mecca shall be hurled into space strapped to a Saturn rocket.

1:18

And you may call me anything you like but “late for supper”.

1:19

And none are my “chosen” people.

1:20

And all the Muslim and orthodox Jewish laws pertaining to a woman’s manner of dress shall be thrown out.

1:21

And prostitution shall be legalized everywhere it isn’t already.

1:22

And gun crimes will also be charged to the owner of the weapon used if they be different from the actual perpetrator. If the piece be not legally registered, ownership shall revert back to the last holder of the gun in question up to and including the manufacturer.

1:23

And Charlton Heston’s “cold, dead fingers” shall be deposited in Charlton Heston’s cold, dead ass for posterity.

1:24

And the word “god” on currency or in pledges and songs shall be replaced with “Boogie-boogie!”.

1:25

And numquam ubi sub ubi. NSFW!!

Those are the rules I, your Lord Almighty God, can think of right now. Please post further laws as though I had spoken them in your ear or appeared in your burning bush(see 1:25).