Leviticus- or “The Rules”
30 June 2006 by Raindogzilla
Forget all that Adam and Eve crap and the rest of Genesis. Assume that the tales of Exodus may or may not be true and it matters not in the least if they are. That leaves us at the troubling Leviticus. I’m game, how ’bout you?
LEVITICUS
1:1
And the rules shall be simple, concise, and not subject to interpretation.
1:2
And killing shall be done only in self-defense- defined as immediate threat to one’s own life- or to stop the perpetration of a grave offense to humanity such as genocide- or ethnic cleansing.
1:3
And turning the other cheek is the preferred method of dealing with conflict but sometimes the person doing the initial striking needs his ass handed to him.
1:4
And guns are for cowards who are unable to defend themselves mano a mano or for hunters who, unless the meat is needed for survival, are pretty much the same thing.
1:5
And they who would declare War must first offer up all their age eligible kin to man the trenches, as it were. Flesh in the game, you know. You hear me, Bush twins?
1:6
And thievery shall only be mitigated by the need to feed one’s family, not one’s habit nor one’s accustomed lifestyle and it must be done without bodily harm to any.
1:7
And all those ridiculous “kosher” or “halal” laws are hereby rescinded. Go have a lobster wrapped in bacon, you know you want to.
1:8
“And the men who hold high places must be the ones to start to mould a new reality, closer to the heart…”
1:9
And all mind-altering drugs shall be legal, quality controlled, and taxed by the government, with the proceeds going to a state of the art national treatment system.
1:10
And they who perpetrate cruelty on animals shall have the same cruelty performed on them.
1:11
And they who commit crimes of hatred shall also have the same done to them.
1:12
And marriage shall be the joining together of two consenting adults, regardless of their gender, in celebration of their love for one another.
1:13
And Rick Santorum shall marry a male Irish Wolfhound named “Woody”. And John Cornyn shall marry a Box Turtle named “Speedy”.
1:14
And those who neglect, abuse, or rape children shall be physically castrated and branded on the forehead with the letter “P”. This will make NAMBLA a circus sideshow eunuch troop.
1:15
And those who claim to have spoken with me are lying because I am not here and I do not speak.
1:16
And Iiiiiieeeeiiiieeeeiiiii will always love youwuwuwuwuwuwuwu.
1:17
And, since there is no such place that is a “holy land”, what is now Israel shall be razed flat, irrigated, and sewn with cedar trees. The Vatican shall become a museum with all it’s hoarded treasures on display and the pope as your friendly fascist tour guide. And that big, black rock at Mecca shall be hurled into space strapped to a Saturn rocket.
1:18
And you may call me anything you like but “late for supper”.
1:19
And none are my “chosen” people.
1:20
And all the Muslim and orthodox Jewish laws pertaining to a woman’s manner of dress shall be thrown out.
1:21
And prostitution shall be legalized everywhere it isn’t already.
1:22
And gun crimes will also be charged to the owner of the weapon used if they be different from the actual perpetrator. If the piece be not legally registered, ownership shall revert back to the last holder of the gun in question up to and including the manufacturer.
1:23
And Charlton Heston’s “cold, dead fingers” shall be deposited in Charlton Heston’s cold, dead ass for posterity.
1:24
And the word “god” on currency or in pledges and songs shall be replaced with “Boogie-boogie!”.
1:25
And numquam ubi sub ubi. NSFW!!
Those are the rules I, your Lord Almighty God, can think of right now. Please post further laws as though I had spoken them in your ear or appeared in your burning bush(see 1:25).
30 June 2006, on 4:01 pm
1:26
And if thou must needs erect a temple, church, mosque, synagogue, or other place of what thou callest “worship,” thou shalt do so with monies out of thine own pocket, yea, with nary a penny conned, suborned, stolen, or in other guise wrenched from another person.
1:27
And if thou dost erect this place of worship, thou shalt make it look like all other buildings around it, that it not stick out like a sore thumb and maketh people’s eyes to water with its ugliness.
1:28
And once thou hast erected thy place, thou must keep all activities and peoples associated with it strictly indoors and very quiet at all times, that thy silliness offendeth not thy saner neighbors.
1:29
And thou and thy place, yea, and all those within, SHALT PAY TAXES! So sayeth thy Creator.
30 June 2006, on 4:29 pm
RDZ Says: And those who claim to have spoken with me are lying because I am not here and I do not speak.
Aha! So Padishah Emperor George W. of the Known Universe was lying to us! Hooda thunkit?!
30 June 2006, on 4:41 pm
Excellent, Eve. Fuck a bunch of tax exempt godbotherers. And, MoeNeigh, you can tell the man is lying cause his smirking lips are moving. Sorry about the missing photo. Sean, Oh, Sean!
30 June 2006, on 4:56 pm
“1:13
And Rick Santorum shall marry a male Irish Wolfhound named “Woody”. And John Cornyn shall marry a Box Turtle named “Speedy”.
And lo, this directive would seem to negate 1:10, which doth forbid cruelty to animals.
30 June 2006, on 5:02 pm
And lo, an addendum:
Eve, LOL squared. Can one imagineth the monies collected from the tax-exempteth “religious” bodies, and how such monies might feed, clothe, educate, employ, entertain, and in all ways provide a joyful and worthwhile life for the community. Think not on it too much lest you begin weeping and not stop.
And RDZ, though you are not here, nor do you speak, doth your bush burn, so that we may know of your presence, and in addition be able to roast our marshmallows? (And lo I have spelled it marshMELLOWS nearly all of my life until now and as such must go and do penance.)
30 June 2006, on 6:49 pm
I only woke up a few minutes ago. I read 1:9 and for some reason my brain read it as “And all mind-altering drugs shall be legal, quality controlled, and taxed by the government, with the proceeds going to a National State Arts system”.
… and I don’t even do anything stronger than caffein- hah. Now I know why I’m misreading. ‘Scuse me.
30 June 2006, on 7:16 pm
“And all mind-altering drugs shall be legal, quality controlled, and taxed by the government, with the proceeds going to a National State Arts system”.
That’s not bad, either. Let cokeheads support the arts!
Another hilarious post, Raindog.
And those who neglect, abuse, or rape children shall be physically castrated and branded on the forehead with the letter “P”. This will make NAMBLA a circus sideshow eunuch troop.
Bwahahaha!
And doity, doity Latin phrases!
30 June 2006, on 7:26 pm
Interesting. Raindog is just as funny and fucked up here as he is on the four other places in cyberspace. How refreshing.
RDZ- you should put this up at your blog.
30 June 2006, on 8:47 pm
The doity, doity phrase “nunquam ubi sub ubi” or “never where under where” was supposed to link to a Paris Hilton upskirt. I suppose it’s better that it glitched, considering people have to eat. Quick revision:
1:13
And Rick Santorum shall marry a male Irish Wolfhound named “Woody”. And John Cornyn shall marry a Box Turtle named “Speedy”. Both shall divorce the humans before consummation can occur, departing with half the Senators’ assets.
And, Eve, if I may?
1:30
And those vast resources culled from the shearing of the formerly exempt shall fund a State Arts Program superceding the NEA and incorporating the head of Jesse Helms in the logo, as well as paying the expense of our more gifted young athletes to go learn their soccer in Brazil so that we might actually compete in the World Cup.
and
1:31
And the young shall be educated about their sexuality in a manner conducive to a responsible, consensual sex life when they get older. At their disposal will be all the available literature and prophylactic/contraceptive solutions including the HPV vaccine.
30 June 2006, on 9:06 pm
Oh gawdzilla you are soooo beeg. Please inspire our minds to understand this??
http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/wife-shot-minister-to-death-after-fight/20060630141109990004.
Thank you in advance for your kind consideration as I know how busy you must be out creatin up a universe and all.
30 June 2006, on 9:36 pm
Mommas don’t let your babies grow up to be pastor’s wives.
30 June 2006, on 9:49 pm
Oh, lowly peons, the wife in this case she shooteth the man because, though he be ministerial if not downright pastoral and reverend, he could not maketh her see Jeebus in the marital bed. Apparently he was also a Minuteman.
1 July 2006, on 12:15 am
Nice rewrite, [Rev.] Raindogzilla, …
And Eve! …It must be your razor sharp Mythological skill; …you’re REALLY good at that lingo!
Hmmm! …Are ‘we’ heading for the serious publication of the GifS version of …
The ‘Official 21st Century Atheist’s Babble’?
“Hello, …Amazon Books?”
[Homer Simpson voice:] “A-m-a-z-o-n!”
…Hmmm…since my 1950s high school Latin classes; I’ve always been intrigued by the Amazons!
There’s another topic for Mythology posting. (?)…Eve?…Stardust1954?…[or Sean?]
I still insist on referring to the original title of the topic’s section of Babble crap as: LEVICIOUSNESS!
It certainly is,…and continues to be …EXTREMELY Viscious,…and idiotic!
1 July 2006, on 3:13 am
kidkawartha Says:
June 30th, 2006 at 7:26 pm e
Interesting. Raindog is just as funny and fucked up here as he is on the four other places in cyberspace. How refreshing.
RDZ- you should put this up at your blog.
Wait. RDZ has a blog?? I thought you said you lost your blog cherry here, Raindog. I feel betrayed. How many other blogs have you slept with?
1 July 2006, on 9:15 am
I’ve got a blog, Sean, http://nimrodsson.blogspot.com but no one ever really looked at it. So, the cherry was blogging in front of an actual audience. I don’t really even post there at all anymore though I know I could crosspost. I likes it here. The three other places are spots I comment.
1 July 2006, on 9:32 am
Okay. But you really have to wear a condom now that I know you keep secrets.
1 July 2006, on 10:09 am
Oops. Sorry for “outing” ya, RDZ! He’s telling the truth, though. Of course, that means that he considers his previous minimal commenters “no one”, of course. We who encouraged him to get publishing on the Internets. Ungrateful wretch.
1 July 2006, on 10:19 am
It’s okay. I still love it when he sings Rush songs to me.
1 July 2006, on 12:50 pm
I love it! Okay, having a go.
1:32
And do not claim miracles. Be you cured of cancer or stricken with offspring not matching your decor, I am not reponsible. Credit and gratitude belongs to whatever is responsible, be it the scientific achievements of your fellow humans or the vagaries of nature. Praise people for the good they do and call them out for the bad. For - lo! I didn’t do it.
1:33
And don’t make me come down there.
1 July 2006, on 3:11 pm
Assume that the tales of Exodus may or may not be true and it matters not in the least if they are.
So far historians think they are pretty much bunk, don’t they? So much for Passover.
1 July 2006, on 6:24 pm
Hey, Kid, nice to see you. I’ll be around once i get back to my own machine- and own bookmarks.
Aesmael, 1:33 is perfect. Try these:
1:34
And, lo, though I be a Cincinnati Bengals fan, I do not wasteth my power and time on influencing sporting outcomes no matter how much the French may thank me for their defeat of the Brazilian squad.
1:35
And Satan, dear, sweet, Satan, is merely me on a really bad hair day. Just ask Job.
1:36
And, no, we’re not there yet, and, no, you can’t have a drink of water and, don’t make me stop this car!
1 July 2006, on 8:01 pm
Let’s see if a member of the focus of scorn of this blog can add anything-
1:37
Denominations are proof that all the people that say they are my followers are just as nuts as anyone else. Why can’t you all just be friends!?!? And for the record, my favorite denomination is the Snakehandlers, and my favorite religion is Rastafarianism, with the followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster coming a close second.
1:38
Political and religious leaders who state that they hear my voice and are following my direct direction are my way of giving humanity a reason for war crimes tribunals and indefinite mental health imprisonments- they’re all deluded at best and psychopaths at worst. Particularly that asshole Benny Hinn and that gimpy freak Bush.
1:39
It is true that I gave mankind higher reasoning so that you would actually, like, use it to further your species. It isn’t meant to be sacrificed on the altar of fear-mongering. Dickheads.
1 July 2006, on 10:36 pm
Ramen, Kid but what about Rastafarian devotees of the FSM?
“Political and religious leaders who state that they hear my voice and are following my direct direction are my way of giving humanity a reason for war crimes tribunals and indefinite mental health imprisonments- they’re all deluded at best and psychopaths at worst. Particularly that asshole Benny Hinn and that gimpy freak Bush.
That’s beautiful, man.
1 July 2006, on 10:49 pm
A war between Rastafarian FSMers and Pastafarian FSMers? This hurts my head.
5 July 2006, on 7:43 pm
Glad you guys liked my addition to “Leviciousness,” as ChuckA puts in (good idea about the Amazons, by the way; hmmm *ponders*).
If you dug my spouting in King-Jamesian, you should hear my Middle English - “Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote” and all that jazz!
10 July 2006, on 8:04 pm
[...] Okay, time for another archetypal female figure, this one a character that the Abrahamic religions have distinctly mixed feelings toward (thanks, ChuckA): [...]