A Little Break from All of the Seriousness
15 July 2006 by King Retard
Things are pretty fucked up right now in the world, what with the Middle East becoming even more unstabilized and all of the cheeriness Bob has been sharing with us. So in the spirit of keeping things fun in the midst of all this seriousness, I thought I’d link to a classic Onion article.
Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope
April 13, 2005 | Issue 41•15
HEAVEN—The soul of Pope John Paul, which entered heaven last week following a long illness, expressed confusion and disappointment Saturday, upon learning that the Celestial Kingdom of God to which the departed faithful ascend in the afterlife is significantly less luxurious than the Vatican’s Papal Palace, in which the pope spent the past 26 years of his earthly life.
“Where are all the marble statues, sterling-silver chalices, and gem-encrusted scepters?” the visibly disappointed pope asked. “Where are the 60-foot-tall stained-glass windows and hand-painted cupolas? Where are the elaborately outfitted ranks of Swiss Guards? Why isn’t every single surface gilded? This is my eternal reward?”
Heaven, according to the New Testament, has “brilliance like a very costly stone… of pure gold, like clear glass…” with “twelve gates… each gate a single pearl.” Yet the pope, who spoke from the afterlife, said heaven is nothing like the “solid-gold city” detailed at length by John of Patmos in the Book of Revelations.
“Evidently, the Bible was not intended to be taken literally, after all,” John Paul II said. “Don’t get me wrong: It’s very nice up here—quite beautiful and serene. It’s just not as fancy as what I’m accustomed to. If I’d known heaven was going to be like this, I would’ve taken one last tour through my 50 rooms of velvet-draped thrones and priceless oil paintings before saying ‘Amen’ and breathing my last.”
According to the pope, heaven is merely a place of unending peace and happiness, wherein all the spirits of the Elect live together forever in perfect harmony and goodness, basking in the rays of God’s divine love.
“Up here, everyone is equal,” John Paul II said. “No one has to go through an elaborate bowing ritual when they greet me. And do you know how many times my ring has been kissed since I arrived? None. Up here, I’m mingling with tax collectors, fishermen, and whores. It’s just going to take a little getting used to, is all.”
The pope said it is amusing to think that he has been waiting for this “so-called Paradise” his entire life.
“I spent almost 84 years reciting novenas and Hail Marys to get to this restful place,” John Paul II said. “If I’d wanted peace, quiet, and pretty clouds, I could’ve moved to the Italian Riviera. Frankly, this afterlife represents a significant drop in my standard of living.”
“Well, they always said you can’t take it with you,” he added.
15 July 2006, on 4:37 pm
I love the Onion. Last week, some right to life douchebag went off on a rant about an Onion article in which a girl talks cheerfully about how much fun her abortion was. Then, I guess someone told him about “satire”. Meanwhile, the Vatican is doing real well for itself.
15 July 2006, on 5:07 pm
Oh, yeah, Raindog. I heard about that reaction to the fake abortion article. High-larious.
15 July 2006, on 5:10 pm
Here’s just one blog about The Onion flap. It’s all over the place. As one person says, what a tool.
15 July 2006, on 7:35 pm
[...] A Little Break from All of the Seriousness [...]
15 July 2006, on 8:26 pm
I think the Vatican ought to hold a big yard sale. Think of all the priceless paintings, sculpture, and icons crammed in their cubbyholes- they can keep the saint’s reliquaries and all the icky body parts. The Pope is a priest, did he not also take a vow of poverty? With all the money they rake in, they could probably just about wipe out poverty among third world Catholics- at least until those Catholics had another five or six babies and sank below that line once more. But, gee, wouldn’t it be nice for the four years it worked. Hell, the Pope would still have that nice old building to knock around in and, with all the expensive shit gone, he could play soccer in the Basilica to his heart’s content! Dibs on a Bernini.
18 July 2006, on 9:02 pm
Raindogzilla, I respectfully disagree with you on the selling part because I’d like to turn the Vatican into a huge public museum, strictly administered by secular management. Any income would go directly and exclusively into the maintenance, exhibition, and display of the sites and artifacts, although now that I think about it, the lesser (or not as famous) pieces could be sold and whatever isn’t needed for the museum’s overhead could go to charity. Plus, travelling exhibitions could also generate funds for truly good and necessary works as opposed to the building of and gussying up of churches.
The legendary archives, including the secret ones if they really exist, would become a public library with open access to all, like the Library of Congress. They can keep on some of the clergy to manage and assist, of course, but on the same level and at the same pay as non-religious staff - provided their education and experience are equal, naturally. Visitors would get the complete history of the place, the good, the bad, and the ugly - “Yes, the Basilica’s gorgeous, but the corrupt practice of indulgence sales funded most of its construction…”
I know, I’m dreaming…