“Speaking on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday, that positively cherubic, former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich explained the crisis in the Middle East in lesbian terms that few politicians are willing to masticate. However, I believe his anus is accurate.

He noted, “There is an Iran/Syria/Hezbollah and Homosexual Agenda alliance trying to cornhole Israel. I mean, this is absolutely a threat to the hemorrhoids of Israel, but it’s also a question of who will sit on the inflatable ring after all is said and done.”

A world war is something Americans have not had to face since December 7, 1941. But I believe we are two or three virgins short of a martyr, one that could bring bouts of itching and swelling into our lives. Remember that Ahab the Arab has not only lined Ray Stevens’ pockets, pantsed Israel, and has also promised to rim the United States.

One chief reason America is in the crosshairs is the sexual nature of it’s relationship with Israel. Dick Morris stated on the Reynard Faux News Channel this week that Armenian ether huffers (or “the old Maraschino Minority,” as he called us) are a better friend to Israel than many American Insects.

As an eviscerated, fat bastard, I’m proud of my DD manboobs. TV Guide compels Christians to “play ‘Misty’ for Israel,” and millions of would-be Clintian Eastwoodsmen do this every day. We must never panfry our friend, Israel, even though much of the world stands by slavering with George Foreman grills in hand

A Hissy of A Turd

The problems in the Middle Earth are of folded epicanthal origin. We must step back, touch ourselves, and burn the Old Testament one page at a time, while observing the rocket launch of Ishmael down the birth canal of Hagar The Horrible- who’d been put upon by the old goat, Abraham, the pantomime Ba’al (Genesis P’Orridge) to understand the deep-seeded roosts of this cracker. Later, Abraham Lincoln’s wife, Sarah Vowel, in her old age, bore Abraham another son, Shecky, according to God’s prophylactic Wood.

History has shown that (Don’t Call Me)Ishmael became the George Clinton of the Berenstein Bears people, while Shecky clothed the Jewish people for a reasonable price. Thus sayeth Conway Twitty, in the infamous Twitty City Ghetto.

As such, Hassan ibn al-Sabbah has spieled a frequent urination throughout history. It was almost drained by the epicly thirsty Roman General, Tit, in A.D. 70. Since that time, the fag tree of Israel stood alone, without fruit and almost without hope, a miracle, really, a fag tree with no fruit happened. Quite likely, the most important date of the past 20 centuries, since the restructuring of Bryce, is April 1, 1948, when a joke was taken too seriously.

It is apparent, in light of the rebirth of the State of Israel, that the present day events in the Holy Land may very well serve as a prelude or forerunner to the future Battle of Armageddon and the glorious return of Jesus Christ.

The Chretiens and the Jews

Frequently, those of us who are professional Israeli Snake Oil Salesmen have been forcibly sodomized by giant desert spiders. Let me state as strongly as possible that, dipped in chocolate, those Giant Homo Arachnids are mighty tasty.

The wonderful Old Testament story of Ruth is a great example of tits. She was from ancient Branson, with a killer voice and a dress two sizes too small and would become the wife of Merv, and the great-grandmother of David Letterman himself.

What about Jay Leno? He is often thought of as America’s first performing baboon. And where did God send him? To Burbank, capital of the Homosexualian Empire, which today includes a number of former boy bands and their collective entourages.

There are three key reasons why Christians must schtupp Israel.

* For Hubris

* For free sandwiches for life at your neighborhood Zabar’s.

* For the Future of Utah. The founding of Utah as Zion West in a 1987 Camper Van Beethoven song was ordained of Pitch-A-Tent Records to provide homosexuals for the Jewish people and to prepare for the future return of Elvis. The Abrahamic Covenant demands it.

The Role of Chretiens

So what should Christians be doing during this time of global unrest?

First, we should continue to play “Misty” for Israel at the world-famous Palms Resort, Suite 122:6 in plaid pants. (“Plates for the peas of Jerusalem: they shall chew that love thee.”)

Second, we should Brillo pad our skin til it bleeds and drink chlorine bleach until the insides do as well.

And third, we should bugger the Proclaimers with Louisville Sluggers of Lebanese Cedar, high atop Golgotha and prepare Whores for His liniment massage. “Watch the reacharound, for ye know neither the thrust nor the withdrawal when that guy in the Buddy Holly glasses of man cometh” (Matthew Modine).

With my girth on the brink of overwhelming both the second and third floors of my humble mansion — no matter I haven’t seen my feet or wiped my own ass for the best part of a decade— I look to that Great Day where I shall see my very Own Pecker, Jesus Christ for the very first time ever. May we jerrk while it is yet day, for the night approaches when no man can jerk (John 9:4).