Madonna’s Magic Water
22 August 2006 by Sean(This amusing one in from Kiana. Sorry, just getting caught up on mail!)
Kabbalah followers believe that water can be given magic healing powers through “meditations and the consciousness of sharing.” So Kabbalah followers Madonna and husband Guy have tried, “relentlessly pursuing people,” to get the British government to use the magic water to clean up radioactive waste. The Ritchies say it’s been successfully tested in a Russian lake – and they even had a Russian scientist ready to explain it to anyone who would listen. “It was like a crank call,” said a dismissive spokesman from Downing Street. “The scientific principles were just bollocks, basically.” Silly Madge, she should have approached Washington. Bush would go for it.
22 August 2006, on 10:21 pm
Is this the same stuff the Catholics use for blessing people?
22 August 2006, on 10:22 pm
I dropped this link to my cousin, who’s working on contract with British Nuclear Fuels(BNFL) as a radioactive waste disposal consultant. Still waiting on his reply. Never fear, though, Katherine Harris also recommends Kabbalah water for citrus canker. What a fucking freak of nature is the mother of our Lard.
22 August 2006, on 10:31 pm
Um. I have an unsightly freckle. Could it be helped?
22 August 2006, on 10:46 pm
You know, if you used this in coke, you could make millions. All the Coke taste with NONE of the adverse effects of caffine or the acid.
22 August 2006, on 11:40 pm
First the magic red string now the magic water. What will it be next year? You’d think that with all this magical living going on around her that she’d be able to ward of the nutjobs who do not want her to cruxify herself onstage.
22 August 2006, on 11:59 pm
If she’d just go ahead and let herself be crucified, maybe Guy could go back to making kickass shit like “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels” and “Snatch”.
23 August 2006, on 12:05 am
You got that right! Talk about someone who was sucked dry by following the song of the siren. What the hell happened? “Swept Away” was such a hunk of shit.
23 August 2006, on 2:51 am
I just wanted to compliment that spokesman–bollocks is such a great word. It really ought be used more often, especially over in America. You can’t say it wouldn’t sound more cultured to say, “What a load of bollocks!” as opposed to “What a load of shit!”
Plus, it’s beautifully descriptive without being unecessarily vulgar.
The perfect term to collectively refer to religion with–bollocks.
I vote that bollocks gets made the official word of the day.
23 August 2006, on 3:16 am
Although it fits the name of one of the greatest albums of all time, Taylor, it doesn’t mean it’s not vulgar.
Well, actually, it’s just referring to testicles, which are perfectly natural, aren’t they?
23 August 2006, on 4:06 am
This goes a little way to restoring my faith in my Government. Now they just need to stop funding faith schools and drop the Church of England as the state church.
23 August 2006, on 4:34 pm
Maybe the statues in India should drink the magic water. Could you imagine the wonderous effects that could cause?
23 August 2006, on 4:51 pm
Sean, you can’t imagine the image that popped into my mind when I read your headline. And no I won’t share, not for all the tea in . . . well, maybe for money, what are you offering?
And is that what “bollocks” means? Who knew? I always assumed it was a phrase much like Colonel Potter’s wonderful “mule fritters,” or “horse hockey,” you know, just crap or nonsense. Oh well. Maybe that’s why those clients don’t call me any more.
Godsarefake, again with the godforsaken reading.
23 August 2006, on 4:51 pm
Heh. I agree with that one, AndrewUK.
I would like to know, though, aside from the religious aspects of Kaballah Water, how is it any different from the claims other (erm) “science based” water scams out there make. Like Penta water and clustered water etc.
23 August 2006, on 5:15 pm
Godsarefake, again with the godforsaken reading.
That’s it, I’m officially changing my handle to Poopsie.
23 August 2006, on 5:17 pm
I’m going to sell the nanopure water from my lab for large sums of money by using nonsense phrases from Star Trek. I will reverse the polarity and adjust the phase variance of the water, increasing it’s cleansing power by several orders of magnitude. I’m gonna be rich.
23 August 2006, on 5:40 pm
Personally, I think if I just bottled my own urine and sold it people would really get something from drinking it. Well, hallucinations are “something”.
23 August 2006, on 6:58 pm
King Retard, that’s a great idea; sort of “Clash of the Titans” but between holy relics/artifacts from different religions.
I wanna know how much the smart kabbalists are making selling this stuff to Madge…
24 August 2006, on 6:32 am
“It was like a crank call,” said a dismissive spokesman from Downing Street. “The scientific principles were just bollocks, basically.”
AHAHAHAHAHAAH! An honest govt spokeman. Amazing!
24 August 2006, on 11:22 am
Nymphalidae, of course you’d be rich, you, you’d clean up! There’s a sucker born every minute, I think someone once said.
24 August 2006, on 2:38 pm
I dunno about Nymph, but I’m positive RDZ would clean up — that’s if he can keep his stream steady enough to get it through the little hole in the top of the bottle….no, really…I’m speaking from experience here and it’s a lot harder than it looks.