Warning: Put Down Your Beverages!
28 August 2006 by Raindogzilla
We certainly have had our share of crazy fundies highlighted here but, for sheer batshit crazy, I think you’ll find that Aleta Smith takes the cake.
“TUPELO — Aleta Smith, who donated her kidney to a 20-year-old college student last year, wants it back now that the student has changed religions.
Smith, a self-described “on-fire Christian,” gave her kidney to Hannah Felks, a Lutheran and regular Christian camp counselor, last year after seeing Felks on the local news.
“She was going to die unless she got a kidney,” Smith says, sitting on the porch at her home. “They portrayed her as this nice Christian girl who works with kids. I saw it as a great opportunity to help a sister in the Lord.”
The surgery grabbed headlines and Smith was lauded for her selflessness. But shortly after the surgery, Felks embarked on a “spiritual journey” to try out other religions, and settled on a blend of Pagan and Hindu beliefs.
“I wanted to get away from the belief system I was raised in and find the truth for myself,” she says. She took a semester off to travel the world visiting spiritualists on three continents.
Smith was aghast when she heard of the conversion, and she quickly wrote a letter asking Felks to re-convert to Christianity or return the organ, saying it was donated under false pretenses.
“I feel helpless,” she says. “Part of my body, my DNA, is stuck inside a person who’s going to hell.”
Smith suffers nightmares of her former organ filtering “strange Asian teas, pig blood and witch doctor brews in Africa,” she says. She wonders if the Lord really wanted her to donate the kidney, or if she acted on a “triple-espresso high” she had that morning. She is also concerned that when her body is resurrected, it might be incomplete.
Felks frets that Smith is an “Indian giver,” and says religious affiliation was never an issue.
“The kidney’s working fine,” Felks said by phone from Thailand. “I feel bad for Aleta. She did something wonderful for me, but that doesn’t mean she gets to control my life.”
In the meantime, Smith has alerted several dozen prayer chains, and her women’s Bible study group is praying 12 hours a day for the re-conversion of Felks — and Smith’s former kidney.
“I’m all for spiritual curiosity,” she says, “but you’ve got to settle these things beforehand…”
Eve, here’s the money quote:
“…My kidney belongs to Christ. It will never be Pagan.”
28 August 2006, on 10:59 pm
Wow, thats.. astounding. I lol’d.
28 August 2006, on 11:17 pm
Sheer batshit crazy. Hmmm nope doesn’t even come close to describing that. Nope. We need a new word or phrase for this deep stupid and ridiculous nutbaggery.So I’ll buy the gifs t-shirt for the lucky winner. We all get to vote and the contest closes on Sept. 5. Voting takes place 12 noon est. to 9 pm pst. Lets have some fun.
28 August 2006, on 11:22 pm
Jimmer, my plagiarized entry is “Katherine Harris Crazy“.
28 August 2006, on 11:32 pm
Or “Crazy As A Shithouse Rat.”
29 August 2006, on 12:54 am
LMAO!
That’s just cross-eyed, braindead crazy.
This part is just hysterical (in both the funny & unfunny definition):
“She wonders if the Lord really wanted her to donate the kidney, or if she acted on a “triple-espresso high” she had that morning.”
You get high enough off of a cup of coffee to donate an organ, you shouldn’t be allowed anywhere NEAR drugs OR religion.
All this time, I wondered why I have to hit Starbucks once or twice a week. Need my christian caffeine fix, ey? Java of the gods!
29 August 2006, on 12:55 am
For me, the funniest part of that story is her worrying that her kidney is going to hell. How crazy stupid fundie can you be? So that’s where the soul resides — one of the kidneys. The second funniest part is her not being able to tell the difference between the voice of god and the effects of caffeine. Imagine — had there been a Starbucks in Palestine 2000 years ago, there might not be any Xtians today! “Behold, for I am the son of god! Or maybe that’s just the grande latte talking…”
29 August 2006, on 12:57 am
So much for selflessness. You know, stem cells could’ve helped fix her kidney, and limited cloning could’ve made a brand new kidney… oh wait.
29 August 2006, on 1:30 am
“…My kidney belongs to Christ. It will never be Pagan.”
Incredible, a Pagan kidney. Now that’s a sideshow attraction I would like to see! (Step right up and see the amazing Pagan kidney! The very first non-encephalon organ to ever pick a religion!)
“Part of my body, my DNA, is stuck inside a person who’s going to hell.”
Afraid Satan’s goin’ to run a genetics test? (Hmmm…This looks like Aleta’s DNA, but what’s it doing in my soul?)
“Smith suffers nightmares of her former organ filtering “strange Asian teas, pig blood and witch doctor brews in Africa,”
Somebody needs to take a course in nephrology…And get a shot of thorazine.
29 August 2006, on 1:38 am
This doesn’t just take the cake, it takes the whole freaking bakery. This woman has elevated insanity into a high art. She is the Mozart of madness, the Da Vinci of dementia… nay, there can be no adequate metaphor for this. Henceforth “Aleta Smith” must be the gold standard of lunacy that all lunatics are measured against.
29 August 2006, on 2:06 am
There are no words.
29 August 2006, on 2:12 am
OK, fellas. Are you trying to put one over on us? I noticed there wasn’t a link to the original article, so I googled the name Aleta Smith. I found the article here:
http://larknews.com/may_2004/secondary.php?page=2
It looks to be a parody site. One of the other articles was about Joseph Smith returning to clarify Mormon doctrine.
29 August 2006, on 3:44 am
11 replies? That’s ridiculous. It’s not even funny.
Ahem.
Yeah, quick examination of the page seems to show that it’s a parody site.
Good thing, too. I’d probably be tearing my own hair out if this were true.
29 August 2006, on 7:39 am
Kidneys for Christ!
29 August 2006, on 10:04 am
Thanks, Spencer, for pointing out the larkish nature of this “news” item. Xians provide ample real life buffoonery without the help of lark spinners.
29 August 2006, on 10:18 am
Actually, the word “TUPELO” at the beginning of the article is a link to LarkNews. Wish it was real. I love it when they undermine their credibility with this type of display.
29 August 2006, on 10:38 am
I went back over to the site- which is linked on the word “TUPELO” at the start, and perused some of the other articles. The sad thing is, I really couldn’t say one way or the other whether it was or was not parody- though the headline “Youths Minister To Men With Ponytails” was a little iffy, until I reached the “Disclaimer” at the very bottom.
In the interest of full disclosure, I actually believed this story was real when I posted it last night. In fact, I was laughing so hard, it was difficult to post it at all. Looks like I got punked, or pwned, a regular Piltdown Man of a story. Mea Culpa.
Trouble is, it seems totally possible- and I guess that’s the point. I have met and know people who I’m sure are capable of uttering those lovely words;
“My kidney belongs to Christ. It will never be Pagan.”
creeps away, tail between legs…
29 August 2006, on 11:22 am
Looks like God is for Suckers got suckered. Guess it also can happen to the best of us =)
Thanks for posting this though, I laughed so hard as I was reading it, and that more than makes up for figuring out it wasn’t actually true.
Normally I have a highly attuned parody-detector. In fact, my usual problem is false-positives. For example, when I first heard Ann Coulter I honestly thought she was doing a parody of a right wing talking head, (kind of like Stephen Colbert is now). I mean come on, she has a picture on her website of herself visiting the grave of senator McCarthy…
29 August 2006, on 11:35 am
Hey RG it was fun anyway.
29 August 2006, on 12:17 pm
To make lemonade out of lemons, as it were, test your Evangelical Quotient over at Lark. Apparently, I’m “Unsaved”. And I didn’t even realize I was in peril.
29 August 2006, on 12:36 pm
This does sound like a “story” the Daily Show would do.
SJames,
The first time I heard Coulter, I thought she wasn’t real either.
29 August 2006, on 12:42 pm
I’m quite “unsaved,” as well, and happily so. Now we just have to defend against those who might want to “save” us, against our wills. I call the 12-gauge and the Necronomicon!!
29 August 2006, on 12:50 pm
Just as i commented in another post:
It is impossible to construct a parody of a fundy so blatantly ridiculous that one can be certain that it’s a parody. There is always the suspicion that, yes, there really is someone out there stupid enough to reach even this extreme of ridiculousness.
Heh.
29 August 2006, on 12:51 pm
“Oh how the kidney crackled!”
29 August 2006, on 1:17 pm
This is not a parody, and I swear it’s true. When I was in my 20’s I informed my fundamentalist mother of my desire to be cremated after death. She looked at me and with utmost seriousness and asked how I ever expected to get resurrected if my body was burned to ashes?
29 August 2006, on 1:20 pm
So that wasn’t real but here’s one that is… though thinking about this sect makes me want to convert. The guy has more than 70 wives….
BBC Article
29 August 2006, on 1:41 pm
Raindog, that story might not be totally true, but no doubt it finds basis in reality somewhere in Jeebusland.
I just caught an unwelcome glimpse of the tail end of a prayer at the multi-faith ceremony in New Orleans marking the anniversary of the Katrina disaster. Apparently Katrina means “cleansing” per this priest and the fucking asshole stated that a repentance by New Orleans citizens with a rejection of their sinful lifestyle would somehow make the disaster worthwhile. I’m paraphrasing, but I’m sure I got his meaning correct. What a fucking moron!
29 August 2006, on 2:32 pm
@!#$@!% New Orleans!
Not everyone in Louisiana is so moronic. Though, no doubt, my tax dollars went to pay for that little ceremony somewhere along the line. As if the levy on my car insurance, gas, homeowner’s insurance, electric bill, and city/state taxes, as well as the increased crime around Shreveport/Bossier wasn’t enough; they have to waste it on this meaningless frivolity. Add insult to injury. All of the churches around here are still raking in the profits from federal aid they’ve received for their “charity” work. Yet, the Red Cross in town is barely able to survive. Gah! Those people just really piss me off.
I’m glad I didn’t happen to catch that little ceremony while on lunch. I surely would have gagged and choked on my grilled chicken breast.
It is impossible to construct a parody of a fundy so blatantly ridiculous that one can be certain that it’s a parody. (Mentat)
I highly agree! I wouldn’t put anything past them, and they are fun to point and laugh at.
29 August 2006, on 2:38 pm
Thanks, Spencer, for pointing out the larkish nature of this “news” item.
Actually, ’twas I. To wit:
# Marcy Says:
August 29th, 2006 at 2:12 am
OK, fellas. Are you trying to put one over on us? I noticed there wasn’t a link to the original article, so I googled the name Aleta Smith. I found the article here:
http://larknews...
It looks to be a parody site. One of the other articles was about Joseph Smith returning to clarify Mormon doctrine.
Spencer’s post was at 3:44 a.m.
Hey, when you never get any recognition at work for the good job you do, you gotta get your recognition elsewhere.
29 August 2006, on 3:49 pm
Yeah, I was just going to say that it was Marcy who should get the credit, not I.
So, credit to Marcy. I just parroted it.
29 August 2006, on 4:28 pm
While this is satire, there are plenty of examples of past-the-horizon craziness that the xians will happily own up to. My wingnut mom sent me a short book that debunks the Da Vinci Code from an xian point of view (the blurb on the back credits one of the authors with being a “spiritual skeptic until 1981″ wow!) Anyway, there is a bit in there talking about the theological reasons why Jesus wouldn’t have been married. The best reason they gave is because marriage, of course, is only needed when there will be procreation, and if Jesus had children, he would have had to sit them down one day and explain to them that while he is 1/2 God, they are only 1/4 God, and their children will be only 1/8 God, etc (I swear I am not making that up). So, there you have it, proof positive that Jesus had God DNA and all we have to do is find some preserved hair or fingernail clipping of Jesus (or perhaps we can extract it from transubstantiated bread?), and we’ll have all we need to reconstruct God DNA. Just imagine the possibilities!
29 August 2006, on 4:32 pm
I am 1/64th Gawd on my mother’s side. Incidentally, this piece fooled PZ, too. So, I don’t feel so bad.
29 August 2006, on 4:56 pm
I’m pissed off that people parody religious people. NEVER PARODY RELIGIOUS PEOPLE. It’s pointless, religious people have no limits to their insanity so there is no way to exagerate religious nutbaggery.
29 August 2006, on 5:11 pm
I don’t want my foreskin back.
29 August 2006, on 5:20 pm
[...] “God is 4 Suckers” has picked up a great story about a woman who demanded back her donated liver after the receiver changed from Christianity: Smith suffers nightmares of her former organ filtering “strange Asian teas, pig blood and witch doctor brews in Africa,” she says. She wonders if the Lord really wanted her to donate the kidney, or if she acted on a “triple-espresso high” she had that morning. She is also concerned that when her body is resurrected, it might be incomplete. [...]
29 August 2006, on 6:02 pm
[...] They really should pass a law against those parody news sites. Not so long ago it was a pro-life blogger who fell for an Onion story about a girl who was looking forward to have “the best non-anesthetized invasive uterine surgery ever”. And now it seems “God is for Suckers!” fell for a story about “Aleta Smith”, who donated a kidney and now want it back because the recipient is no longer a Christian. The story is from LarkNews.com, which, in a disclaimer at the bottom of the page, writes: “LarkNews® is a satirical newspaper published by Joel Kilpatrick.” [...]
30 August 2006, on 2:29 pm
Oops! Sorry, Marcy! My mistake. Thanks.
Too much hurry makes things blurry.
30 August 2006, on 6:12 pm
It’s a comment on our times, folks, and I assure you there will be a story like this eventually. I wonder how Tom Lehrer spends his days.
Lynda, did you also see the guy from the Secular Humanists of New Orleans speak at the interfaith memorial? I only caught a couple of minutes of his talk but it was great. I put it in a comment in my post above about religion taking over the daily papers.
31 August 2006, on 2:20 am
Long time lurker, Hi.
I was taken in as well. It’s hard to overestimate the level of stupid blind crazy that religious zealotry can inspire. Though false, the subject of this piece reminded me of the “God Warrior” from trading spouses. totally whacked.
Also…Jimmer… Nutbaggery?
New favorite word.
31 August 2006, on 3:02 am
# Ravensect Says:
August 31st, 2006 at 2:20 am EST
Long time lurker, Hi
Welcome, Ravensect. Please do stick around!
31 August 2006, on 10:46 am
I’m very glad to hear that a Secular Humanist was allowed to speak. Perhaps my state tax dollars WERE being used in a constructive way…at least for the length of his speech.
31 August 2006, on 7:26 pm
You know, even though this particular crazy fundy turned out to be a d’oh! on us, the story has given me an idea for a new type of post: Fundy or Fun? I’d present a list of Crazy-Fundies-type quotes and challenge readers to pick the real ones from the parodies…
And a shout-out to our new commenters, especially the young ‘uns; glad to see y’all are thinking for yourselves!
6 September 2006, on 5:18 pm
This is so funny, I nearly wet myself laughing.
So funny I had to write a song about it
The song is called:
My Kidney Is Going To Hell
Check it out on my blog called:
http://the-tomahawk-kid.blogspot.com/
15 September 2006, on 11:43 pm
Stacy,
DNA from transubstantiated bread!! Ohhhh that is brilliant. Let’s do it, man!
6 March 2007, on 7:00 pm
Maybe it would be easier for Smith’s women’s Bible study group to pray 12 hours a day for her to grow a new kidney and just let former kidney go to hell alone.