Undercover in Hell
26 October 2006 by Bob
Our good buddy Matt Bors (HOWDY, MATT!) did an undercover comic about hell houses.
For those who didn’t know, Matt runs a great site called The Idiot Box. Be sure to check it out.
Even though we’ve previously posted on this, I’d guess this particular comic about hell houses might be good for, like, educating the kiddies — you know, without all the blood and screaming and Jesus stuff. (You might have to scroll down a little to see the comic.)
Once again, Matt, thanks for your work. You rock.
26 October 2006, on 5:48 pm
I wish I was at home with my links and favs….
something positive is running a story arc regarding Hell Houses, and more specifically the early stage Alzheimers father’s reaction to the house and the “frightening and bullying idiots who trick ppl into accepting Christ”. Its a good read
26 October 2006, on 6:21 pm
It is a good read, mostly. And sure, Davan’s dad loves gay-almost-adopted-daughter (”are you comparing my daughter to a pig!?”). But note that Davan’s dad isn’t pissed so much because they’re running a scare tactic, he’s pissed that they’re running a scare tactic for Christ, because they’ve shown nothing about the GLORY of God. He’s not pissed at the point of the message, he’s pissed at the method of presentation. He’d be okay with them telling everybody how wonderful, loving and accepting God is.
So, many respects to Something Positive’s author/artist R*K*Milholland, but the message there isn’t quite on target.
Allow me to spoil by posting the URL of the the (currently) most recent frame.
(And now I’m late for work, damnit. Morning/evening/day/night, all.)
26 October 2006, on 7:10 pm
After paying your five bucks, you are escorted to the door of a squeaky clean, white vinyl siding- with daring eggshell trim, home that sits, one of a seemingly infinite number of exact duplicates, each within spitting distance of the next.
At the door, you are invited to remove your shoes and don taupe fleece slippers, the place smells of Pine-Sol and citrus air freshener. A white-robed figure with an expressionless, androgynous face- and figure, measures you from ground to midback and outfits you with a gleaming length of capped PVC pipe just your size.
In a pristine, white-tiled lavatory, an equally sexless attendant lovingly bends you over and fits the shaft up your ass with machine-like precision and a generous dollop of lustrous Crisco.
It takes a while to become comfortable with your new stick and, as you shift from foot to foot, another blancmange of a human being outfits you with the finest dress clothes Sears and Roebuck has to offer- in this case a sharply creased and shiny blue blazer that strains at the shoulders, a white button down shirt with shortsleeves that seems to impeded your breathing when buttoned all the way to the collar, a pair of faux-Dockers pleated khakis that show two inches of sock, and a sporty, piano keyboard, clip-on tie.
On the far wall of the family room, across the snow-white upholstered sofa and love seat, the medium-screen television gets both TBN and PAX but there’s no time for that now. Your escort is unsatisfied by your pace across the alabaster shag and constantly nudges your ass stick in an effort to quicken your step.
Then, there you are in the kitchen, which turns out not to be a kitchen at all but a Cracker Barrel restaurant of the future, say quarter to twelve next Sunday morning. The rest of your tour group is scattered around the expanse of tables pushing Eggstrordinairetm omelets and sausage and black pepperless biscuits unenthusiastically around their plates.
Around the tables, the talk is of the uplifting sermon they’ve just come from and how spiritually refreshed everyone is, how handsome and pretty everyone looks all gussied up in their Sunday best, how so and so’s relation has been prayed out of gayness and taken a wife- who, coincidentally, had also been prayed out of gayness, and how happy the couple is though they do take separate vacations, how that holier-than-thou, you know who I’m talking about, has managed to take the pew that was rightfully theirs and makes such a production out of pretending to scold her husband for writing too large a check for the offering plate, how the demofemislamocommie homos, in league with Be’elzebub- who may very well be George Soros, are out to have nonstop anal sex with the men, to put pants on, shoe, and Brazilian wax the women, to indoctrinate and fondle the children with science and tolerance, and to turn America into the Soviet Union as madeover by the Queer Eye for the Staight Guy folks and the Bravo network, how that “Brokeback Mountain” movie sucked the minister one town over into hot manlove with a lifelong bachelor church elder….
And you run and you run, screaming and shucking the artificial fibers from your skin, forcefully shitting the stick across the room to lodge in the unadorned drywall and leaving a trail of your own making behind you as, bucknaked, you burst out onto the cul-de-sac and spill onto the PGA green lawn gasping for breath.
Over your shoulder, the sign at the foot of the driveway catches your eye;
WELCOME to HEAVEN HOUSE!!!
brought to you by the Richard
Dawkins Foundation.
26 October 2006, on 7:15 pm
Honestly, I wish I could get PAX on cable. Mamma’s Family is on there now, and I really like that show.
As far as the Hell House goes, I REALLY want to go through one and point and laugh hysterically at everything, especially the botched abortion.
26 October 2006, on 7:44 pm
If there were one here in Portland, I would definitely go. I’d go, in the same way I would go see “Jesus Camp”– it’d utterly repulse me, and I’d probably end up screaming or destroying a small object or mammal, but it’s one of those things that it would probably be a good idea to see, in order to stay on top of things.
26 October 2006, on 8:51 pm
From Raindog - “demofemislamocommie homos” - *lol*
They must be like “femi-Nazi femi-whiners!”
27 October 2006, on 12:43 pm
They must be like “femi-Nazi femi-whiners!”
Damn it Eve, quit trying to “vaginize” the men around here!!!
27 October 2006, on 4:06 pm
Curses, foiled again; KR, you have uncovered our plan for world domination!
28 October 2006, on 2:21 am
King Retard Says:
Damn it Eve, quit trying to “vaginize” the men around here!!!
Eve Says:
Curses, foiled again; KR, you have uncovered our plan for world domination!
Eve, you just solved the overpopulation problem. Men can’t take the pain of childbirth…
I once got a startled laugh out of my husband when I said, “Now that women can support themselves, and change the oil, and open the pickle jars themselves AND you guys set up frozen sperm-banks–it looks like we might not need you. So, to quote the old farmer to his mule, ‘That’s Once!’”
Naomi
1 November 2006, on 9:49 pm
That’s a good one, Naomi!
5 November 2006, on 9:34 pm
Hey, thanks for the link!