Michael Vick Found Jesus
27 August 2007 by vastleft
“Through this situation I’ve found Jesus,” says Michael Vick, in the grand tradition of Watergate co-conspirator Charles Colson, serial rapist-killer-cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer, and so many other noble souls.
I hope he’ll join me at Bible Study for Atheists, where my next reading will be Exodus 29. I’m sure he’ll find it captivating, starting with verse #10:
10 And thou shalt cause a bullock to be brought before the tabernacle of the congregation: and Aaron and his sons shall put their hands upon the head of the bullock.11 And thou shalt kill the bullock before the LORD, by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
12 And thou shalt take of the blood of the bullock, and put it upon the horns of the altar with thy finger, and pour all the blood beside the bottom of the altar.
13 And thou shalt take all the fat that covereth the inwards, and the caul that is above the liver, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, and burn them upon the altar.
14 But the flesh of the bullock, and his skin, and his dung, shalt thou burn with fire without the camp: it is a sin offering.
15 Thou shalt also take one ram; and Aaron and his sons shall put their hands upon the head of the ram.
16 And thou shalt slay the ram, and thou shalt take his blood, and sprinkle it round about upon the altar.
17 And thou shalt cut the ram in pieces, and wash the inwards of him, and his legs, and put them unto his pieces, and unto his head.
18 And thou shalt burn the whole ram upon the altar: it is a burnt offering unto the LORD: it is a sweet savour, an offering made by fire unto the LORD.
19 And thou shalt take the other ram; and Aaron and his sons shall put their hands upon the head of the ram.
20 Then shalt thou kill the ram, and take of his blood, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of Aaron, and upon the tip of the right ear of his sons, and upon the thumb of their right hand, and upon the great toe of their right foot, and sprinkle the blood upon the altar round about.
21 And thou shalt take of the blood that is upon the altar, and of the anointing oil, and sprinkle it upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon the garments of his sons with him: and he shall be hallowed, and his garments, and his sons, and his sons’ garments with him.
22 Also thou shalt take of the ram the fat and the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, and the right shoulder; for it is a ram of consecration
27 August 2007, on 9:54 pm
I’m confused - did Jesus make him kill the dogs, or is he arguing diminished mental capacity?
27 August 2007, on 10:21 pm
“yea, and thou shalt take the sauce of the three-alarm fire and sprinkle it upon the flank of the bullock, then shalt thou have a hoe down, and the lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and the sloths and the carp and the anchovies and fruitbats and breakfast cereals…”
27 August 2007, on 11:27 pm
During all the bad storms last week I read an article about rescues here and there and someone just rescued was quoted as saying, “I have no idea how I escaped drowning. I’m just clueless.” It was so refreshing, no miracles, no god watching over him, nuthin.’
28 August 2007, on 12:55 am
I was having a discussion last night at work about Vick and I was saying he would come to Jesus in prison. Man, did I blow that one big time! He played the Jesus card first thing out of the box. I will now make the prediction that he will start a ministery in prison. I’m sure he won’t let me down.
28 August 2007, on 1:51 am
Wait… did Vick find Jesus as in found the actual PERSON? Are you sure he wasn’t just his Mexican bunkmate?
28 August 2007, on 5:56 am
Vick thinks he has discovered Jeebus, or at least says he has. Well, he should pay attention before getting in too deep.
I may have posted this from Revelations 2 in regards to some subject or another.
“‘These things says the Son of God, who has eyes like a flame of fire, and His feet like fine brass: 19 “I know your works, love, service, faith,[b] and your patience; and as for your works, the last are more than the first. 20 Nevertheless I have a few things against you, because you allow[c] that woman[d] Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, to teach and seduce[e] My servants to commit sexual immorality and eat things sacrificed to idols. 21 And I gave her time to repent of her sexual immorality, and she did not repent.[f] 22 Indeed I will cast her into a sickbed, and those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of their[g] deeds. 23 I will kill her children with death, and all the churches shall know that I am He who searches the minds and hearts. And I will give to each one of you according to your works.”
Is Vick giving up sex too? And I would say killing someone’s children to punish them does seem a bit worse than organizing dog-fights.
But that is the xian instruction on how to reach hearts and minds. It apparently means to scare the bejezzus out of them. But there is hope.
“26 And he who overcomes, and keeps My works until the end, to him I will give power over the nations—27 ‘ He shall rule them with a rod of iron; They shall be dashed to pieces like the potter’s vessels’”.
Both the old and new testaments are big on “dashing” to pieces people they don’t like.
28 August 2007, on 7:25 am
OK brothers and sisters let’s all shout it out: gimme that ole time religiooon.. gimme that ole time religioooon…
Whew enough of that even in jest.. visions of lynchings dancing in mind.. must stop
Religion: the last refuge of scoundrels
.. and I don’t mean that in a good way
28 August 2007, on 8:09 am
Vastleft, you totally rocked it with that pic…
Excellent choice…
28 August 2007, on 9:00 am
What about the strip loin of the ram? Or the boneless chuck? What does the lord prescribe we do with them? Maybe a little black pepper and sea salt?
28 August 2007, on 9:41 am
As long as you use Jesus H. Christ’s Sweet SavourTM BBQ sauce, it’s all good.
28 August 2007, on 10:21 am
From Sleeper:
Luna Schlosser: Miles, do you know that “God” spelled backwards is “dog”?
Miles Monroe: So?
Luna Schlosser: It makes you think.
28 August 2007, on 10:29 am
Lol. Great movie, oh what I wouldn’t give for an Orgasmatron…
28 August 2007, on 10:47 am
Rev,
While I’m not sure the Orgasmatron is real, I’m quite sure the Repubs are busy cloning Ronald Reagan’s nose.
28 August 2007, on 11:43 am
Lol, VL, you’re probably right.
The Orgasmatron is TOO real, it’s me and Miss Teen South Carolina alone in a closet whilst I ask geography questions.
28 August 2007, on 1:32 pm
Didn’t Paris Hilton find God while dealing with her legal issues? It’s so fun to watch savvy PR folks advise their clients on how best to get the majority of American’s to forgive them for their sins. I mean, if Jesus can forgive these people, why can’t all of us Americans forgive them?
28 August 2007, on 1:34 pm
Isn’t it strange that those who(m) are caught with their pants down, so to speak, always find Jeebus to make it all OK with, basically, a Xtian indoctrinated society? In other words they didn’t meet Zeusie, or Athena, or Thor…or…even OUR favorite….the FSM.
Of course it isn’t REALLY surprising…it’s their RE-discovery, after all, of what was originally planted in their ‘gourds’ from childhood. They also know that a goodly number of sheeple will soften their oh-so self righteous indignation, if a meeting with Jeebus story of “Redemption” is publicly highlighted; accompanied by a mandatory display of personal remorse (feigned or not).
Of course, in Vick’s case, a few on-camera tears might have made it more convincing.
But then; he’s a “manly man”, after all, and that wouldn’t go over too well with all the macho types. [Or the NFL?]
Hmmm…Maybe a few pit bulls watching (pausing from licking their crotch?) might whine with sympathy…just a little…to see a big bad human fuckhead cry…?
NOT!
28 August 2007, on 2:29 pm
Vick did put a bit of a new spin on it. He found jesus on his way to jail. Most people find him in jail. He said he was giving his life to god. If there were a god, what the hell would he want with Vick’s rotten life?
28 August 2007, on 2:57 pm
Michael Vick Found Jesus
I for one, am not surprised. What with all the mass graves dug on his property, he probably found Amelia Earhart and Sasquatch too.
28 August 2007, on 3:21 pm
^ Ouch, Spirula!
If I remember correctly, Son of Sam serial killer David Berkowitz found Jesus too. Come to think of it, if he’d borrowed a page from Vicks’ book, he could have taken care of his neighbor’s Devil-channeling dog before obeying its commands to kill.
The whole issue is such fertile ground for dark comedy…!
28 August 2007, on 3:45 pm
Eve,
I a friend of my brother was a roommate, for one semester only, with Mark David Chapman, who has also “refound” Jesus!
And, let’s not forget, so did Jeffery Dahmer.
I guess it’s true what they say “There’s no atheists when getting cornholed”.
28 August 2007, on 4:41 pm
Jesus musta done somethin’ right awful to have been in so many prisons for so long. Musta gave Dad the finger.
28 August 2007, on 5:10 pm
(you know, even if you do bring the “preview button” back, I’m still gonna kick its ass)
“A friend of my brother was…”
28 August 2007, on 5:34 pm
After crawl a bit on your website I found Jesus, Jesus, Jesus… oh! And Christianity… hey! Wait a minute! And more Christianity bashing… and more Jesus… and yet a bit more Jesus.
So where are the other religions?!
Do they not exist? Are not funny? Or unlike Christians, if you make such articles about Muslims they will come over and kick you?
28 August 2007, on 5:43 pm
Didn’t a couple of the Manson family also find Jesus after being convicted for life? One of the women and the guy, nicknamed “Tex” if I remember correctly…
What an interesting how-to: step 1) perpetrate horrible crime; 2) if you’re caught, be born again; and 3) reap rewards such as newfound fame, admiration, and book deals, even if they don’t automatically include freedom.
Caveat: the above system only works if you’re born again as a xian (or a muslim, but only if you’re male, and even then you’re better off picking xianity to be born again into). Asatru is still too new to have the same street cred.
28 August 2007, on 5:53 pm
Cash. Vick’s got tons, and gord needs it.
Eve, I think the Manson murders were after Son of Sam, but I don’t know when the Son of Sam law went into effect, meaning the mansons aren’t allowed to profit from their crimes.
Just like OJ shouldn’t get any money for “If I Did It”, since he DID do it.
28 August 2007, on 9:10 pm
“Through this situation I’ve found Jesus,” says Michael Vick,
I knew it all along, but never had the evidence or eye-witness testimony to prove it–
Jebus Cripes is a spectator at underground pit-bull fights!
Don’t sweat this one too much, folks. Americans love their dogs more than they love Jebus, and the old “Born-Again” cop out has too much milage to be considered feasible by most citizens anymore.
28 August 2007, on 9:58 pm
Why, if Jesus is so sweet and good, does he keep hanging around prisoners and criminals so much? Why is Jesus so easy to find if you’re a raging asshole, but so hard to find if you’re just a regular ol’ down on your luck Joe Schmoe?
I always wondered why other xians buy the whole I-found-Jesus-schtick anyway. I have personally seen incidents where a Sunday school allowed a known sex offender to teach a class of kindergarteners. When I expressed concern [and ohboy! is that putting it mildly!] at this arrangement, I was told that a True ChristianTM learns to forgive the sinner and since the sinner had been born-again, then his sin gets washed away. Oh yeah, that’s right — so off you go, Chester Molester, play with our kiddies.
Man! Some days I have to roll my eyes so hard I think they’re going to pop out the back of my head.
28 August 2007, on 10:03 pm
Fritzy said: Americans love their dogs more than they love Jebus, and the old “Born-Again” cop out has too much milage to be considered feasible by most citizens anymore.
I would dearly love to believe you’re right, Fritzy. I’d have no problem at all if people wanted to make dogs a religion. At least you can plainly see that dogs do indeed exist. No question there.
Btw, when I was a little girl, we had a dog named Fritzy. He was a golden lab/shepherd cross. He once saved my mom when he alerted her to a fire that started in the dryer. She had been having a nap and wouldn’t have known it otherwise.
No one’s ever proved to me that Jesus really saves, but I know for a fact that Fritzy saves.
29 August 2007, on 11:38 am
A man who deliberately tortures and executes animals and then hides behind religion is beneath contempt. It’s true, religion is the last refuge of scoundrels. Hypocrisy seems to be growing in this country at an alarming rate. Michael Vick, George Bush and his ilk, pedophile priests, televangelists who bilk the poor and the ignorant out of their social security and life savings and ride around in private jets and live in mansions — they’re all good “christians” — has George Bush ever lost a moment of sleep over all the young people he’s conned into getting themselves blown up in Iraq? — as long as you say the word “jesus” in every sentence, the American people will forgive any atrocity.
29 August 2007, on 12:01 pm
Wait… did Vick find Jesus as in found the actual PERSON? Are you sure he wasn’t just his Mexican bunkmate?”
Good one, AthiestUnderMask. I’m howling with laughter.
29 August 2007, on 6:20 pm
Good story Audrey! Fritzy is my co-pilot!
I loved when Larry King asked Paris what her favorite scripture was and she sat there like a socialite caught in a Bentley’s head lights. I’m guessing she had this conversation in her head, “Scripture? Scripture? Shoot, I’ll have to look that up in my big book of words when I get home.”
Vick is trash.
30 August 2007, on 1:27 am
Manson was well before the Summer of Sam- a Spike Lee Joint, for what it’s worth.
As for Vick, perhaps “Jesus” will be the refrigerator-sized La Eme enforcer he knows he will meet in jail, while strapped into a “rape stand”(you know, for breeding aggressive dogs, standard furnishing for frat houses). That Hammurabi code justice always seems most appropriate at these moments.
Personally, I think any Jeebus you’d find would be bits of petrified bone. I guess you could pulverize and snort it like some sort of Navajo corpse powder.
Does anyone else have a fundie spellcheck that gets indignant about leaving “jesus” uncapitalized?
30 August 2007, on 8:55 am
Crap, you’re right. Shows how much I paid attention to current events in high school
I was too busy going to see Star Wars 13 times.
30 August 2007, on 8:57 am
Why is it the only place people “find” jebus is in jail and on their knees?
30 August 2007, on 12:40 pm
“Why is it the only place people “find” jebus is in jail and on their knees?”
Because G-bus is a really, really short, persistent felony offender? But, wait! G-Zeus is also always turning up in atheist-free foxholes, which might make him some sort of burrowing creature like a badger, a wolverine, or, even, a beaver, which isn’t necessarily burrowing but is short and does bring His name to my lips when I see it. The Great G-Zoo, sorry, Gazoo, was also very short and called Fred Flintstone “dum-dum”.
Et Gazoo, le fruites de vos entrailles sont benie…je pète le feu
30 August 2007, on 9:11 pm
“After crawl a bit on your website I found Jesus, Jesus, Jesus… oh! And Christianity… hey! Wait a minute! And more Christianity bashing… and more Jesus… and yet a bit more Jesus.
So where are the other religions?!
Do they not exist? Are not funny? Or unlike Christians, if you make such articles about Muslims they will come over and kick you?”
Dear Demented Fuckwit, It might behoove you to scan other posts before making such pronouncements. First, we live in the Western World, where, for the most part, it’s the Jeebus variety of Moons Over My (Abra)Hammy that presents the biggest threat to our various democracies. Ergo, we bash them more but, rest assured, that we pretty much unanimously think of Mohammed as a raving, flea-infested childfucker and his followers as not much of a step up from that.
30 August 2007, on 11:00 pm
“Moons Over My (Abra)Hammy”
THAT, is priceless.
31 August 2007, on 10:56 am
RDZ: First, we live in the Western World, where, for the most part, it’s the Jeebus variety of Moons Over My (Abra)Hammy that presents the biggest threat to our various democracies.
Thus, we’re forced to live with that version of Green Eggs and (Abra)Ham
myfor breakfast, lunch, and dinner whether we want to or not.*cue rim shot*
1 September 2007, on 2:41 am
Vick must have been invited to Dick Cheney’s office where he found Jesus in Dick’s walk-in safe, which is where Dick keeps him until he decides its time for the rapture.