Bizarre is all I can say . . . .
25 April 2008 by Stardust
Sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises
KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.
Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo’s sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.
Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.
“You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you. We’ve had a number of attempted lynchings. … You see them covered in marks after being beaten,” Kinshasa’s police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, told Reuters on Tuesday.
Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.
“I’m tempted to say it’s one huge joke,” Oleko said.
“But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it’s become tiny or that they’ve become impotent. To that I tell them, ‘How do you know if you haven’t gone home and tried it’,” he said.
Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members.
“It’s real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny,” said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.
Is this really 2008? I am sure you all will have fun with this one, too! 
25 April 2008, on 4:16 am
I’ve been checking regularly - I’m good.
But just to be sure I’ll start checking twice a day.
Thanks for this important genitalia health update, GifS!
25 April 2008, on 5:07 am
So that’s where it went…
25 April 2008, on 7:04 am
A small penis is a problem?
25 April 2008, on 8:14 am
Ha ha, you know if you have ever been to military basic training and had to shower with 80 other guys, you know that penises are just penises, they’re not that big, deal with it! (of course there was the one kid out of the whole division that could wrap his penis around his forearm, yikes!)
Wow, the GIFS crew and a thread about voodoo penis doctors, this oughta be hilarious!
25 April 2008, on 8:15 am
People believing that somebody can steal their penises just by touching them is not too different from people believing that Jesus’ second coming is imminent, or that the Earth is less than 10,000 years old despite all the evidence, or that homeopathy works.
25 April 2008, on 8:20 am
It happened to me ! No really, I used to be incredibly well endowed
25 April 2008, on 8:47 am
I can’t wait to hear what ChuckA thinks lol!
25 April 2008, on 11:34 am
Fortunate, I say Fortunately, I keep my Penis at home in a fancy jar of Barbicide which I appropriated from Floyd’s Barber Shop(that my Penis has a rotating spiral stripe of red down it’s shaft had nothing to do with my decision). It reattaches by means of a plug resembling a USB port and, though the CPU within is capable of making over 8 trillion calculations in a single second, it’s really not all that impressive considering the answer to each and every one of those equations is either “Penis Fight!” or “penis flight“.
The reason it is detachable at all is that it kept getting me called for penetration fouls at my weekly naked Spartan wrestling matches- what with the oil baths, the overall slipperiness, and the general diameter of the mantraps sported by my competitors.
Oddly, in the years since the separation of my Penis from me, I’ve begun to grow a much smaller penis just above where the old one plugs in and it’s not just any Penis. It’s shaped like the Gorton’s fisherman and a disturbing slicker yellow- kind of half way between the Tidy Bowl man and a euphemism for the Clitoris.
This could be simple hoodoo or witchdoctory or it could be like one of them tumors with teeth and hair, a whatchama…teratoma. Or it could be a long unknown twin dwarf brother- who’s been living all these year’s in a fecund and rather nurturing section of my large intestine, coming to the surface tiny Penis first.
The Penistocrats!
25 April 2008, on 11:42 am
Doesn’t this violate the eighth law of thermodynamics or something; penis length can neither be created nor destroyed?
25 April 2008, on 1:09 pm
Didn’t John Wayne Bobbit have a detatchable penis?
25 April 2008, on 1:19 pm
You mean…
I STILL have a “John Thomas”?
Actually, there’s no need for any witch doctor to shrink one’s penis.
Old age, alone, does a pretty good job on that.
Not me, of course!
[reaches for mirror and magnifying glass!]
Actually, I think that whole story is just a prelude to an intensive Viagra (or Cialis?), etc. product campaign.
Perhaps an ad, something like:
“Witch Doctor, Shmitch Doctor…take just ONE Viagra…and you’ll get more than four hours worth of hammering away at any of those nasty, thieving perverts.
Who needs a club, when you can have a long, hard…blood throbbing ’shwantz’ to wave and whack away at anyone who gets in your way.
Witch Doctors beware! Your evil, penis shrinking career is now, totally fucked!
And just think…after you’ve vanquished those dastardly mask wearers…
the (hetero) ladies will be more than happy, to massage your wonderful Witch whacking weapon.
Yes…thanks to Viagra…you’ll have her saying (and gagging?):
“Mna NNA (mna-mna) mna mna mna-mna mna mna mna mna mna!”
[Subtitle: "Now, YOU (dickhead) do that Voodoo that you do so well!"
[Of course, in unreadable small print, a lower screen text]:
“Warning…consult your personal NON-witch doctor before taking any anti-shrinking medications!”
Nice mask PIC, Stardust!
Now THAT’D be great for Halloween; or maybe an “Eyes Wide Shut”(Kubrick style?) masked ball…
Viagra party?
25 April 2008, on 3:34 pm
The song, “Detachable Penis” by King Missile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byDiILrNbM4
25 April 2008, on 3:55 pm
Oh, boy…
What is it with religious fanatics (mostly men in this case) and their penises? Long, detailed sections of the infamous Malleus Maleficarum (”Hammer of the Witches”) are also dedicated to discussions of how witches can magically shrink or remove men’s genitals, or bespell them into thinking they’re gone.
Of course, I realize this is a rhetorical question. When your sexuality depends on a member that “magically” either performs or disappoints, naturally anxieties about it enter your psyche and from there your community, culture, and society (geez, poor guys!). Once again, a good dose of knowledge, information, and education seasoned with a healthy dollop of reason would help alleviate if not outright eliminate these obsessions and excesses!
25 April 2008, on 4:16 pm
12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs.
I just wanted to see that taken out of context and set off by itself, because the phrase “penis snatchers” just makes me literally LOL.
Given all the junk mail in the GifS mail box that advertises products to enlarge penises, I’d say these poor scared fellas are just a scam away from a cure for what the witch doctor did to them. I certainly hope I’m not inadvertantly decreasing the sizes of any penises by some Karmic connectivity when I summarily delete all those emails!
25 April 2008, on 4:34 pm
25 April 2008, on 5:24 pm
“Penis Snatchers“.
How often do you get to put those two words together in a sentence that isn’t intrinsically pornographic?
25 April 2008, on 5:29 pm
RDZ
My thoughts eggs-zac-ly!
25 April 2008, on 6:30 pm
A guy was being teased in the locker room because he had “Ma” tatooed on his his tiny penis. “Laugh if you must,” the guy says, “but when I’m excited the tattoo reads, “U. S. Marine Corps, Quantico, Virginia.”
25 April 2008, on 9:47 pm
Old Viking - you’re having us on, aintcha?
25 April 2008, on 10:19 pm
Hey, Raindog -
Was the OS for your penile processor written in boner-y code?
Is there a fuzzy logic system, or do you utilize a blade server to streamline your kernels?
And don’t ever forget to upgrade your anti-virus protection or you may experience a hardware problem.
And for the love of Zeus CHANGE YOUR BARBICIDE!
25 April 2008, on 10:46 pm
Moe, the Barbicide comes in handy to keep my crab nit comb sterile.
26 April 2008, on 8:20 am
I know one thing, I’m keeping my husband as far away from the congo as he can get (is PA far from the congo?). And don’t you mormons get any ideas. I’ve never been in a fignt in my life, but I’m awfully protective of his tool!
Gawd of my gawd, I worship thee, ol’ tool of mine. Cum forth and give me PLEASURE
26 April 2008, on 8:22 am
Oops, that’s “fight”.
26 April 2008, on 2:28 pm
Old Viking:
I heard a similar story, but the word was “Shorty” which turned out to be part of, “Shorty’s Full Service Truckstop and Diner, Chattanooga, TN–we’re open 24/7!”
26 April 2008, on 3:42 pm
Barbicide…I had to look this one up! OMG, I thought that “Barbicide” was Ken’s revenge for all the abuse given to his non-existent appendage!
27 April 2008, on 11:05 am
Maybe they can film a sequel for Rick Moranis:
“Honey, I shrunk my penis!”
28 April 2008, on 7:30 pm
Late to the party. But I did mention over at PZ’s when I read this. I think they shrunk Mann coulter’s penis. There is some consternation over at the white house that she may have lost a pint of her malicious hate for well just about everything but they have conceded that it may be for the best.