Praying to Jeebus for sex toy advice
16 June 2008 by Stardust
I ran across this while doing a search for something else,and I thought it was quite comical, and is a fitting follow-up to my last post. Not only is God answering prayers for special favors to win golf games, and football games, etc, he is now got his own sex toy advice hotline! No wonder he can’t save people from all these natural disasters, disease, famine, abuse, neglect, etc. He’s much, much too busy with other things, like Joy Wilson’s sex life.
The Joy of Christian Sex Toys
NPR.org, March 21, 2008 · Joy Wilson went looking for something to spice up her marriage without compromising her Christian beliefs.
Finding nothing, she founded her own “sin-free” sex toy business. Book22.com caters to the Christian community with books, toys and occasional advice. The name refers to the Song of Solomon, the extended love poem that forms the 22nd book of the Bible.
Wilson says that after the birth of her first child, she had trouble rekindling her desire for intimacy. She and her husband went looking for marital aids, and found that Internet searches for products as tame as massage oil led to sites with pornographic images. “I was really surprised that it was that bad,” she says.
She and her husband talked it over and decided that there must be a way for conservative people to add a spark to their romantic lives. She says their site steers clear of certain types of sexual activity that they believe are unholy. And they carefully consider which new products to add.
“We pray about things before we add them to our site,” she says. “We live our lives very openly in front of Jesus, so we just kind of pray for direction about which way he would have us go, and I have to be honest with you — he’s really surprised us. … Almost our whole entire ’special order’ page has come about from that.”
Wilson says she and her husband are blessed with good health, but that God has shown them that other couples might need help from a particular toy.
On our blog, an open thread: Sex toys as a Christian ministry.
16 June 2008, on 2:49 pm
Was searching for a picture to go with the post and found this…
Baby Jeebus Butt Plug
16 June 2008, on 2:58 pm
I’m not saying a word…
16 June 2008, on 3:10 pm
I am soooo sorry but I just can’t help myself.
THE VOODOO PENIS
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he Thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a Sex shop & explained his situation.
The man there said, “Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will Keep her occupied for so many weeks, except… The Voodoo Penis!”
The husband said “! The what”? The man repeated ” The Voodoo Penis” and Pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and Said, “It looks like a dildo!”
The man then pointed to the door and said, “Voodoo Penis, door!” The Penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding The keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a Crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said “Voodoo Penis, Return to box!” and the penis stopped & returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the Husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said “Voodoo Penis, my crotch”.
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three Mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had Enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her Clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the Road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said “I haven’t had anything to drink Officer.
You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me…”
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, “Yeah right… Voodoo Penis, my ass…!” ?
The rest, as they say, is history…
16 June 2008, on 4:24 pm
I wonder if jeebus says its ok to tie up your husband or wife with leather and chains and beat them like a ragdoll…
16 June 2008, on 4:37 pm
benjamin, this one Xian site sells “bondage lite” sets. Remember “beat them gently” is what the god botherers say.
Vanilla Tie Up Kit
16 June 2008, on 5:12 pm
As I have nothing to add, I’d like to point that the article is dated on my mom’s birthday.
16 June 2008, on 7:30 pm
That site makes me want to vomit. Don’t those silly xians know that sex is a last resort for being weak, pathetic humans? don’t they know 1 Corinthians 7:1 “it is good for a man not to touch a woman”. Aren’t they breaking their own stupid rules?
16 June 2008, on 7:46 pm
When I and my wife of seven hundred twenty-six years, Habakkuketta, need to add a little hitch to our giddy-up- if you know what I’m saying, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, we like to add a little of that role playing to the boudoir.
Sometimes, Habakkuketta whips my back bloody with the clothes iron chord while I tote the carpet sweeper around over my shoulders to symbolize that fateful trip up the Via Dolorosa.
Other times, I wank myself raw while she devours baguette after baguette with her voracious anus which has been augmented at great expense with little gold, Chad Johnson teeth for fun and as a reminder that both the Lord Almighty and Buck Coulter, which Anne was born as, disapprove of using that filthy previously mentioned orifice as an entry point. Strangely, after a baguette binge, Habakkuketta is prone to vomiting little doughy turds and needing to wipe her mouth with Mr. Whipple’s finest.
Another of our favorites is inviting Dewey, the gentleman who lives in a refrigerator box at the end of our alley, to come and mount my wife while she’s blindfolded. Dewey is pretty sure he is the Lord Almighty and, therefore, represents the father portion of the immaculate conception. Since Habakkuketta doesn’t know that I’ve invited Dewey in for the festivities- I douse him in cologne to cover his natural stench of old potatoes, stale beer, and decomposition- it becomes my job to keep my wits about me while explaining how it is a good idea for strange, insane men to ejaculate their primordial goo up in her, calming her with a logical cirque du soleli of convincing how it’s in keeping with the Holy Bible that Dewey, resplendent in the vintage Roman Gabriel jersey be the finger of Gob as it were, even as most of my thinking blood is busy in my crotchal region. Sometimes, Franco Harris stops by. He likes to watch.
The most fun we have is going upstairs to climb Mount Gorgon, which is really just a thousand pound fat lady named Tiffany who’s confined to her bed and cannot run away. For some reason, I enjoy hiding in Roll 1A, beneath her left breast and scaring Habakkuketta so she falls into the Well of Despair, which is Tiffany’s navel. If we’re lucky, we can find up to a pack of smokes worth of loose changes in the rolls and folds and, for special occasions, we harvest the fragrant fromunda cheese to make a delightful farfalle dish.
Did I mention I’m really old?
16 June 2008, on 10:22 pm
HAVE AN ORGASM FOR CHRIST!
17 June 2008, on 11:24 am
Dear Stardust’s Local Tribune,
I, Sir or Madam, wish to lodge a protest on behalf of the Bull God(PBBG), myself, and His(PBBG) other adherents in the Chicagoland area.
For over a hundred years, our sect has born the blame for one historic event. While it is true that one of the Bull God(PBBG)’s favorite oncubovines did indeed kick over that lantern and set off the Great Chicago Fire- before it was a soccer team, the context of this act are lost to the layman- and by “lay” I mean only those uninitiated into the Bull God(PBBG) sect and no one affiliated with the rabbitry known as Roman Catholicism.
By early October of 1871, the Bull God(PBBG) was fed up to his horns with the disrespect and apathy shown Him(PBBG) by both the rabbitist RCs and the reformist lemmings. As a great majority of these nonbelievers were first generation immigrants who’d abandoned the Bull God(PBBG)’s loving embrace in both Ireland and Eastern Europe, it should really have come as no surprise- and if we mortals could know His(PBBG) Mind perhaps we’d know for sure that it had, come as no surprise I mean.
Starting in late September of that year, the Bull God(PBBG) had been out painting the towns structures with the invisible but highly volatile vapors steaming from His(PBBG) flared nostrils. Already, He(PBBG)’d cowed the clouds into withholding their life-giving rain and lulled the citizenry of the Second City into a general sense of well-being with a smog-induced lack of oxygen and the use of aromatherappy- the cloying, sweet scent of rendered flesh from the stockyards and abattoirs is a well-known for it’s serenity inducement.
The Bull God(PBBG)’s Plan, we now know, was to burn the entire city to the ground with all the non-believers in it. The faithful at that time had already been instructed to coat their front doors with mustard, catsup, dill relish, or a combination of the three as a sign of their piety. These homes would be passed over in the coming conflagration.
It was only through the courage or the treachery, depending how you look at it, of “Loser” Mary- once but no longer the favorite mangermate of the Bull God(PBBG) Himself(PBBG), hence the moniker. In daguerreotypes that survived the period, the former “Milky” Mary was bombshell, a regular heifer Mae West, with udders out to here, huge doe eyes, and a prehensile tail that swished seductively.
On Sunday, May 8, 1871, in a fit of pique worthy of a heifer scorned, Mary yanked the Bull God(PBBG)’s chain before He(PBBG) was anywhere near completing the task. Four square miles went up but the city remained and was rebuilt.
To this day, the fire is blamed on Mrs. O’Leary’s cow, information purposefully leaked to the Chicago Republic’s Mike Ahern by representatives of the Bull God(PBBG)- and which Ahern later confessed was not true. In fact, M-r-s-O-l-e-a-r-y-s is but an anagram of L-o-s-e-r-M-a-r-y. Truth within a lie.
Meanwhile…
The Bull God(PBBG) is responsible for Lake Michigan never having been renamed the more appropriate Lake Chicago or Lake Illinois.
The Bull God(PBBG) is responsible for the Cubs’ drought vis a vis World Series titles.
The Bull God(PBBG) is responsible for Jim Belushi.
The Bull God(PBBG) is responsible for Chicagoans inability to pronounce the “th” in “The”.
On the other hand…
The Bull God(PBBG) is responsible for deep-dish, Chicago style pizza.
The Bull God(PBBG) is responsible for Michael Jordan, Mike Singletary, Walter Payton, and Buddy Guy.
The Bull God(PBBG) is responsible for most elements of Second City until- see third listing above.
The Bull God(PBBG) actually penned words and music for the awesome song, “The Night Chicago Died“- which is meant to be taken as a metaphor for the Fire and not the mafia.
The Bull God(PBBG) is a minority owner of the previously mentioned Chicago Fire soccer team.
Personally, I am constantly revolted by all the mewling and kvetching about various versions of the putative rabbitist/lemming deity that taints your letters to the editor section and thought it was high time for a cold, hard does of truth hereabouts.
Hannaford Lactix-Hawke aka “Raindogzilla”
PRAISE BE the BULL GOD!
17 June 2008, on 12:03 pm
How has Jesus “surprised” them? By telling them he’s a fan of mouth-love?
There is a way for conservative people to add a spark to their sex lives: it’s called stop feeling guilty over nonexistent “sin.” It’s okay to be horny, and there’s no invisible guy watching you screw. So grow the hell up.
17 June 2008, on 2:08 pm
andrea…”there’s no invisible guy watching you screw.”
Hmmm…
You mean, of course, that invisible, All Knowing, Ever Present…Infinite Voyeur pervert?
Yes; but is ‘He’, perhaps, watching us when we’re wiping our ass and accidentally get shit (etc.) on an index finger?
Oh, wait…I guess it’s just me!
And…ummm…in my defense…should I just blame it on that cheap, lousy toilet tissue?
“NEVERMIND”!
17 June 2008, on 6:33 pm
Dick Cheney watches me screw. I move with amazing grace. B).
17 June 2008, on 7:25 pm
OK, # 8 has got to be Raindogzilla!
Other than that, I’m not touching this post with a ten-foot pole *rimshot*. >-D
17 June 2008, on 10:29 pm
[OK; kinda OT]
So…as we atheists have known all along…
We ARE Apes, after all.
Now, it’s official(?)…according to this Yahoo “Live Science” article:
“Like Humans, Other Apes Plan Ahead”:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/likehumansotherapesplanahead
[The word 'Other', evidentially, being the operative adjective?]
Dig the picture accompanying the article. Resemble anyone in your families?
17 June 2008, on 11:44 pm
Send a “pocket pussy” to your local pastor.
18 June 2008, on 11:58 am
Andrea says: “There is a way for conservative people to add a spark to their sex lives–it’s called stop feeling guilty over nonexistent “sin.” It’s okay to be horny, and there’s no invisible guy watching you screw. So grow the hell up.”
Maybe being watched is what adds the kink to their sex lives.
18 June 2008, on 12:56 pm
Send a “pocket pussy” to your local pastor.
tommy, you are going to hell
18 June 2008, on 3:02 pm
fritzy - Yeah, but not if they’re afraid to actually *do* anything
Or they can add a stripper pole to the bedroom. You know…for God 
chuck - if there’s one thing to drop a few extra bucks on….!
18 June 2008, on 4:01 pm
I’m sorry. I’m bad. But I just can’t get the Exorcist line out of my head:
“LET JESUS FUCK YOU!”
18 June 2008, on 6:21 pm
Star, I laughed my ass off when I read about what they were.
Julie, actually I believe the line was “See Jesus Fuck You”, though it’s been a while since I saw the movie, so I might be wrong.
18 June 2008, on 11:50 pm
Nope. Via imdb.com:
[Regan, possessed, is masturbating with a crucifix]
Pazuzu: Let Jesus fuck you, let Jesus fuck you. Let him fuck you.
See, I remember, because my mom worked this movie up for years, refusing to let me watch it because it would give me nightmares, it was too scarey, too awful, too hideous… Then I saw it, and thought it was pretty lame, until this part came on and I laughed so hard I cried.
19 June 2008, on 6:16 pm
Thanks Julie. I stand corrected.
Yeah, when I became an atheist, movies like The Exorcist or The Omen weren’t scary for me anymorem, just silly.
22 June 2008, on 10:08 am
Religion
Religion is only a primitive machination by Man to command, suppress and exploit others, to which only life forms that are weak in their consciousness succumb.
When Man indulges in his religions, i.e. malevolent, erroneous doctrines, his consciousness wastes away more and more and ultimately leads to a bottomless abyss.
God
God is not Creation but only one of its creatures, like all creatures who are dependent upon Creation.
A god is only a governor as well as a human being who powerfully or dictatorially reigns over his fellowmen.
But Man follows his erroneous religious beliefs and claims that God is Creation itself.
Man may recognise that a god can never assume the role of Creation or decide over Man�s destiny.
[Man] goes even further and [incorrectly] claims that a normal human being by the name of Jmmanuel, who has also been called Jesus Christ through conscious error, is God�s son and Creation itself.
Written by Billy Eduard Albert Meier (BEAM)
19 August 2008, on 4:30 am
Awg my gawd Jewbus Christcrux…