Ministry of assault and battery!
11 July 2008 by StardustTodd Bentley - Raging Lunatic!
BAM! I found out this tattooed freak faith healer when reading the Religion News on Yahoo. This looney comes to us from Vancouver, Canada (as if we don’t have enough of our own)!
His name is Todd Bentley, of Fresh Fire Ministries, and someone needs to take him away to somewhere safe and get him on some medication before he kills someone.
11 July 2008, on 8:04 pm
He’s in this country because he knows that his crap won’t work or will be extremely limited in Canada. He knows how we an unlimited resource of idiots.
11 July 2008, on 8:47 pm
“unlimited resource of idiots”
LOL!
11 July 2008, on 9:09 pm
I say leave him be. I hope he chokes all those deluded half-wits to death.
11 July 2008, on 9:32 pm
This fuckwit has taken up residence in my hometown (Lakeland, Fl). Anyone vacatuioning in Florida this summer feel free to take him back north with you….
11 July 2008, on 9:43 pm
His bio states
Maybe he was dain bramaged?
11 July 2008, on 9:47 pm
Check this out . . . this dude is seriously mentally ill.
Todd Bentley “Calling Down Angels”
11 July 2008, on 9:55 pm
The pastor and his congregations are well matched.
11 July 2008, on 10:26 pm
Hmmm…
Maybe, get a whole bunch of limbless, blind, facially burned and maimed (etc.) Iraqi and Vietnam Vets to line up for a healing; and when absolutely no instant limbs are grown, etc…the hippie biker gang that “brung ‘em”, would all, individually, kick the motherfucking bastard preacher in his…
‘Limb”?
Nah!
They’d have to bring their biker lawyers with them; and also…
it’s pretty hard to pull wheel chairs using a motorcycle.
Of course…as a non-biker, I’m just guessing about the latter.
WTF! Does this story absolutely prove my case, way beyond a shadow of any possible, lingering doubt, RE the, now seemingly inevitable, further descent into hopeless insanity of the human race…or what?
Did I actually get outa bed today…or am I still tossing and turning in some, futile, restless, lucid dream?
Somebody wake me…or just kick me?…PLEASE!
On second thought…(holds crotch)…
NOT!
11 July 2008, on 10:38 pm
When did Larry the Cable Guy start pounding the shit out of sheep in the name of Gob?
Maim and kill in the name of God and you’re a “faith healer.” Maim and kill in the name of Dog, and you’re the “son of Sam.” Please, someone, tell me the difference here.
11 July 2008, on 11:47 pm
This must mean that Kimbo Slice is a motherfucking doctor.
12 July 2008, on 2:41 am
It would be great to be a Kung Fu expert and go up on stage pretending to be sick and kick the motherfucking shit out of him as the audience looks on. Then when he lays there all injured tell everyone you are going to now heal him and kick the shit out of him all over again.
of course he probably has his biker buddies as bodyguards.
12 July 2008, on 4:21 am
For those of us who don’t want to click that link, can someone go ahead and describe the videos for me?
12 July 2008, on 9:47 am
AUM, Does this link work for you?
Ministry of assault and battery
If not, basically this dude who was once a drug abuser and criminal hasn’t given up his violent bully nature. He says gob tells him to beat people up to heal them. He says gob tells him to kick an old lady in the face with his biker boot and then says as soon as his boot touched her nose she felt the power of the lawd, or something to that effect. He told the story of tackling a dude and instead of beating him he choked him while saying “devil get out!” When he goes to beat the sickness or injury out of someone he yells “BAM!” He does a lot of crazy screaming, shaking his head around, and just acts like an all around henchman for Jeebus. He has multiple piercings and is covered in tatoos…wears a t-shirt. I am sure he also collects the money. Legalized stealing. Seems nothing has really changed except he has found another way to bully and steal.
12 July 2008, on 11:48 am
The Church of S & M! Who’d a guessed there’d be so many little old blue haired ladies in the congregation?
Those who flock to him are indeed well-matched idiots. I’m with hemebond: let ‘em have at each other.
This was quite a catch, Star. I think we should stuff it and put it on the trophy wall.
12 July 2008, on 11:51 am
AUM, the somewhat portly and meth-ravaged Bentley struts the stage like a tattooed cross between the Michelin Man and a banty rooster, crowing- yes, I said “crowing”- about how Gob AllWhitey gives him personal instruction on how best to pummel his next supplicant into physical health. My favorite? Gob tells Todd to kick the old lady in the face- with his apparently holyBiker Boot! Todd actually feels the power of Gob going into the lady as the toe of his boot shatters her nose(keep in mind, the video is him telling us about this happening after the fact, not actually doing it).
On further review, I’m going with Sam Kinison, hauled from the grave, shorn, and covered head to toe not in skin but in adipocere- or grave wax, which, I would guess, is extremely hard to tattoo accurately. His sense of humor has left him with that last breath of life but, oddly, his lungs are still mighty.
After a hundred days of this bullshit fest he calls a revival in Lakeland, Todd is taking a vacation- per Nightline last night, but the shindig will go on in his absence with guest “ministers”- one suspects from somewhere in the Redneck Riviera.
“Pastor Todd!”
“Yes, my son.”
“Pastor Todd, Jeebus spoke to me!”
“He did?”
“Yes, sir, Pastor Todd, loud and clear.”
“What’d he say, my son?”
“He said you had a problem, Pastor Todd.”
“That I have a problem?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And what sort of problem do I have, son?”
“He said your testicles was ailing.”
“My testi…Oh, fuck me, Jeebus, oh, mother of fucking gob oooooohhhhh.”
“Did my Holy Fist of the Lord heal your testicles, Pastor Todd?”
“Pastor Todd?”
For Sam Kinison’s take on Jeebus speaking to folks, click here and scroll down to his SNL appearance Oct. 18, 1986.
12 July 2008, on 12:15 pm
Sam Kinison was awesome. Jeebus’s last words…”ahhhh, ahhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhh!”
12 July 2008, on 12:41 pm
Hmmm (again)…
Maybe he’ll start a hospital in Florida; and call it something like…
“The Chripes Memorial Sado-Masochistic Hospital”.
I can just imagine (barely) the Emergency room scene.
OK GifSters, follow me, for a moment…
SCENE [ala Johnny Carson's old 'Art Fern' shtick]:
For anyone unfamiliar with Art Fern:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_442dZzW7R0
Anyway…to continue…
[A goateed biker-type, over-weight, bridle whip cracking, Male entry clerk; heavily tattooed, multiple lip/nose/eyelid ringed and totally ear stapled(?)]:
“You say you Haven’t any hospitalization insurance?…We don’t care!”
“Believe in Gob?…We don’t care!”
“Believe in Jeebus?…We don’t care!”
“Have brain damage?…We don’t care!”
“Are extremely sensitive to pain?…We ESPECIALLY don’t care!”
“Are barely able to walk?…ummm…
We STILL don’t care!”
(And of course…)
“You say you can’t afford to put cash in our collection basket?…
THEN we care!”
“What’s that?…You say you’re ALSO an atheist?…[snapping...and breaking whip]
Get the fuck outa here!”
12 July 2008, on 1:01 pm
Yeah, RDZ…Sam Kinison…hilarious!
Dead, WAY to young; and like Carlin…and Bill Hicks…one of the very few to rather FEARLESSLY ‘hammer’ at religion.
I always think of a little scenario bit of his, which, as I recall, was in one of his earliest TV appearances, where he’s very reluctantly pushing a kiddie stroller in a shopping Mall; shouting:
“Would somebody PLEASE…
SHOOT ME!”
12 July 2008, on 2:59 pm
Seriously, this guy is simply a violent sociopath who has found a socially acceptable outlet (in the delusional circles in which he runs, at least) for his aggression. He likes to pound on people and break bones and is “fortunate” enough to have found a way to do so while avoiding prison, in a group of people that evidently long to be injured by him. Not only that, but now he can rationalize to himself that he is doing the Lawd’s work. In psychiatric circles, this is known as a symbiotic relationship. Obviously, it is the opposite of the biological concept, in that it in this case, it is harmful to both organisms involved.
12 July 2008, on 3:58 pm
Thanks for the description. I’m glad I didn’t click the video.
12 July 2008, on 6:01 pm
AUM, why don’t you want to click the video? Are you using a work computer or are you just not wanting to be nauseated?
12 July 2008, on 9:01 pm
I’ve just about decided that taking that crippled lady’s parking place at the supermarket will do her at least some good in the long run. Setting her baskart on fire should have her walking in no time.
Thanks, Pastor Todd!
12 July 2008, on 11:13 pm
Not wanting to be nauseated. Plus I don’t like watching religious bullshit because it pisses me off at how completely WRONG they get EVERYTHING. I can only take so much.
Ask my little brother. We went to the bookstore the other day and I found the Politically Incorrect (emphasis on INCORRECT) Guide to the Bible and EVERY bullet point on the cover was absolutely and completely WRONG.
This is also the same series that says creationism is a scientific theory (then so is my sponge theory, and my theory can actually be demonstrated, even though my theory is completely intentionally wrong too), and Jesus was the most important person in Western civilization (which ignores people like, you know, most of the Greeks, and people who actually lived).
I ranted the entire way home.
I can only rant like that once every few days. It drains me. I really should write them down though.
14 July 2008, on 7:30 am
Lookie what I found. Toddy likes to feel like a big, tough guy by beating up cancer patients:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUTCWLoD4-4&feature=related
14 July 2008, on 10:45 am
Julie, that was absolutely horrible. Why the fuck isn’t this guy in jail? So, if one agrees to be a victim of assault and battery, then it’s okay? I’m confused why law enforcement would allow this.
14 July 2008, on 10:49 am
In another video here, he says he travels to other countries “in spirit” and “ministers” to people. He has suckers lined up all over the world!
14 July 2008, on 4:31 pm
I wonder what happened to that cancer guy? Bet he doesn’t see xmas. Bently just proves that any idiot can wear a Harley shirt, Harley not necessary. If he does have a Harley, he’d fit right in with a 1 percenter club, until they kick the shit out of him
Unlike little old ladies, weak, sickly cancer patients, and deluded religious fools, 1 percenters always fight back!
14 July 2008, on 7:37 pm
Perhaps a “paralyzed” believer should punch him back and shout, “Hallelujah, you’ve healed my fist!”
14 July 2008, on 9:59 pm
Someone needs to “heal” his affliction of bullying people. Someone needs to kick him in the gonads and see if all that jewelry pops right out of his piercings right onto the floor. Someone needs to say the Lawd told them to beat those tatoos right off his ugly body!
21 August 2008, on 12:04 pm
[...] You all probably remember Todd Bentley who I did a post about here: Ministry of assault and battery! [...]