Catholics ordered to keep quiet over Virgin visions
14 January 2009 by jimmerCatholics ordered to keep quiet over Virgin visions
By Jerome Taylor and Simon Caldwell
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Catholics who claim they have seen the Virgin Mary will be forced to remain silent about the apparitions until a team of psychologists, theologians, priests and exorcists have fully investigated their claims under new Vatican guidelines aimed at stamping out false claims of miracles.
The Pope has instructed the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, formerly the Holy Office of the Inquisition, to draw up a new handbook to help bishops snuff out an explosion of bogus heavenly apparitions.
Benedict XVI plans to update the Vatican’s current rules on investigating apparitions to help distinguish between true and false claims of visions of Jesus and the Virgin Mary, messages, stigmata (the appearances of the five wounds of Christ), weeping and bleeding statues and Eucharistic miracles.
Monsignor Luis Francisco Ladaria Ferrer, a respected Spanish Jesuit archbishop, has been placed in charge of drawing up the handbook, known as a “vademecum”, which will update the current rules set in 1978.
According to Petrus, an Italian online magazine which leans towards conservative elements in the Vatican, anyone who claims to have seen an apparition will only be believed as long as they remain silent and do not court publicity over their claims. If they refuse to obey, this will be taken as a sign that their claims are false.
The visionaries will then be visited by a team of psychiatrists, either atheists or Catholics, to certify their mental health while theologians will assess the content of any heavenly messages to see if they contravene Church teachings.
If the visionary is considered credible they will ultimately be questioned by one or more demonologists and exorcists to exclude the possibility that Satan is hiding behind the apparitions in order to deceive the faithful.
Guidelines for the approval of apparitions and revelations were last issued in 1978. They lay down that a diocesan bishop can “either on his own initiative or at the request of the faithful” choose to investigate an alleged apparition. He then submits a report to the Vatican for approval.
Well Ok then. Do they really understand how absurd this is? I read this over at Rdawkins web site earlier today and have been bustin up ever since. It is just too good.
So If I get this correct. The Men with training in the mysteries will be verifying whether or not an apparition is/was legitimate or not??? I’m still laughing about this and I must also say that the first thing I thought of was That darned Zoot turning on the grail beacon. We should all have such misfortune.
And yet not to be outdone by this ridiculous idea. Maybe these people who have these apparitions are in fact Witches. In league with Satan. Who is hiding behind the details waiting for a crowd to gather and then initiating an orgy or something. How do they know? It could happen. LOL Woo! Hoo! I better get this out to the Pope asap. Apparently he needs our advice.
It is all so fucking absurd I can’t believe we’re reading about this in the 21st century. And I am stil LMAO about this but in all seriousness it really isn’t funny. Grown men and women still actually believe this is OK.
14 January 2009, on 6:23 am
Hey thanks for that jimmer, I was worried about what to do about seeing the virgin mary the other day, I was having a crap in the bush and when I checked it out there was no doubting that it was a pile of shit that looked like the virgin mary,” remarkable” , of course this convinced me that my Atheism was wrong, a pile of shit in the bush that looked like a virgin chick was enough for me, I now know the buybull is the truth and the pope is cheesarse’s representative here on earth, that sort of indisputable evidence is indisputably indisputable, thankyou cheesarse, halla fuckin looleya………………………….
14 January 2009, on 6:25 am
Oh yeah don’t tell anybody about this ok, it’s our secret mate, mum’s the word………………….
14 January 2009, on 7:58 am
Ahhhhh! I come here with my coffee in hand, and click on GifS bookmark, mainpage opens up and AHHHHH! That’s startling to see Papa Ratzo’s creeepy face! (Has anyone else noticed how the shirt on the guy above Ratzo forms devil horns on top of his head? It’s an apparition! I am getting a vision that Ratzo is the Debbil! Bring in the exorcists!)
Great find though, Jimmer. It’s always fun to roast the Cat-o-licks! I can’t believe this is still going on in the 21st century either. Exorcists, theologians, and priests? I can see psychiatrists and medical doctors, but exorcists, theologians, priests? How would you like to be a fly on the wall listening to them discuss these hallucinations and delusions as if they are real?
Catholics, even more than Pentecostals and A of G creep me out the most. They believe in demons who get inside people’s bodies and torture mentally ill people to “get the demons out”. They believe that certain dead people are special and taxidermy them and put them in glass cases for all to view when they go to church. They keep body parts of special people in special containers and believe they have magical powers. They shake that smoke ball around as if they are putting a spell on everyone. They shake their magical water shaker again to put spells on people. Magical spells as the priest makes everyone eat the big crackers. And magical spells as the priest chug-a-lugs the wine in the magical chalice. It’s all more magical as the story of Merlin!
Hoffy, you are fucking hilarious! I love reading your comments!
14 January 2009, on 12:28 pm
Stardust
I was scrolling through pics when I came on that one. The horns got me right away. I was having such a good time roasting this nonsense i just had to have me some Demon Pope. Although he could also be an alien.
Hoffy
Are you sure you aren’t an ascended master from that triumphant church? You sure do seem to know quite a bit about visions and such. Also who would think to look in a pile of crap? Yep thats right. An ascended master.
On the other hand this could be the Catholic way of keeping all us Atheists healthy. There is a medical idea that laughter is good for longevity and pain relief. And it makes you feel good.
Gotta go .
14 January 2009, on 12:41 pm
“Has anyone else noticed…?”
Yeah, that hit me right away, too, Star. Must be Satan pointing that out to us, huh? Man, that Satan fuckhead really keeps busy inventing ways to trick us poor earthlings into all manner of “eye rolling”, and ridiculous speaking in tongues bullshit.
This Pope is, truly, the creepiest looking Papal schmuck in our lifetime. And, considering the ‘office’ that he rose from…the head of the Inquisition…starting off with his early Nazi ‘yout’; I’d say he IS a Satanic plant.
[I wouldn't be kidding, now, would I?
Or is it "WOOD eye?" (old joke)]
Tangentially…
All that magic, Booga-Booga stuff, Stardust, goes back, I think, to a combination of ancient primitive, tribal…and, of course, Jewish…ritualistic “Living Theater”. After all, what else did people have, especially in the days before the Renaissance, etc. for entertainment? The “Show”…including all those stuffed, morbid, Saintly displays…was meant, both, to attract the Sheeple to WANT to congregate, participate, and to “feel”…be totally impressed…by the MAGIC of all the mystical hullabaloo. Add impressive…even refined…large organ (pre-Viagra) with choral ensemble music to that; eventually ala Bach, Beethoven, etc…and you had the impressive essence of our modern live theater, etc. [Without the high ticket price?]
Today’s Mass, with its much more common vernacular, and much more amateur level music shtick, doesn’t really compare to the days when all those Cathedrals and impressive Church structures were built. Some of today’s most successful Protestant…or “non-denominational…those Mega Churches?…try to do something similar with all the hyped-up rock band hoopla productions. But there’s too much competition, these days, from all the secular entertainment.
In other words…Religion is loosing the entertainment war to…
that old show-biz master…the original snake in the tree…”Satan”. [cue Church Lady?]
Back to the real subject of this Post; it’s really amazing to me that the Poop and all these charlatans keep hanging on, desperately, to that “Virgin” illusion, when it’s been know for centuries by the Church Theologians that the original word meant “young girl”, NOT virgin. Of course, the Virgin Mary is really the Catlick Xtian substitute for the Pagan Goddess…without any of the original, independent, ‘god-like’ powers. She’s always subservient…and intercessional…to the original “Nairobi” Trio…that all male imagined, and totally contradictory ‘Trinity’.
Now that I’ve said all that BS…I really should’ve kept my comment to my original idea; which was…
“OY VEY…and…WTF?”
After all that goddess shtick…where’s Eve? I hope she’s OK. She hasn’t poked her nose in for awhile.
14 January 2009, on 12:42 pm
And how, exactly, are they going to go about that? I mean, Satan is supposedly the second most puissant entity in the whole of creation, so you’re going to get some level 2 daemonologists in funny hats to question him? Try the old “the power of Christ compels you” trick three times, and if it doesn’t work, assume it’s legit? That bullshit only works on Minor Daemons. You think you’re going to catch out the Big S with your petty hedge-wizardry?
Catholicism: less convincing than Warhammer. And a lot less fun to play…
As for Papa Ratzi, I always hear The Imperial March whenever I see him.
14 January 2009, on 1:23 pm
How come the Virgin Mary only seems to appear to Catholics? Why not Hindus, Buddhists, Jews or Muslims, for example? It reinforces that people tend to hallucinate things they know about. For example, no one seemed to have memories of being repeatedly by extraterrestrials until flying saucers and space aliens entered the popular culture.
14 January 2009, on 1:35 pm
jimmer, well here is Jesus found on a dog’s poop chute! Can’t get much closer than that. But I think I remember reading something about some kind of image in fecal matter.
Anyways, here is the Dog Butt Jesus
14 January 2009, on 1:48 pm
Tommy, that’s an excellent point. I think many people could probably visualize an imagine of a woman in a waterstain under an expressway viaduct, but Catholics go further and claim that image is the Virgin Mary. Atheists see what resembles an image of a human face and understand that humans recognize familiar patterns and we know that it has no meaning, but like with their mythology books, religious folks give these images meaning in their own minds because it’s their way of self-maintaining the delusions. As for Hindus, they most likely see images of the elephant god or some crap in a mud puddle, for example. They are seeing what they want to see. ( I know you know that already, I am just making conversation.)
Dunc, I looked up what a demonologist was and it says this: “in fantasy: a demonologist is a powerful warlock who has studied demonology, and so may conjure different demons and deal with them. Usually they are conjured with the help of pentagrams or other magical runes and symbols, but in some settings other ways are possible. Real-life Demonologists could include exorcists and scholars who study works such as the Lesser Key of Solomon.”
It’s like the Catholic church and all the Pope, Bishops, Cardinals are playing a gigantic World of Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons game!
14 January 2009, on 4:08 pm
At least the Catholic church is open to the possibility that the visions may be false and figments of one’s imagination or a delusional mind, whereas many fundies just accept verbatim every bit of brain puke their fundie brethern spew forth. A weasel of a president declares that he has been told by his god to destroy a country and how many church leaders question the accuracy of his vision?
Anybody got any photos of the president with his head lined up with horny collars?
14 January 2009, on 4:09 pm
Just to make it clear, in case my previous post sounded pro-pope, he’s as hideous and ignorant a man as ever walked the earth.
14 January 2009, on 6:11 pm
demonologists?
That is just too damn funny, except that it is not. I suppose it was witchologists who identified the thousands of women who were tortured, drowned, burned in earlier times.
And finally, the virgin mary is not the virgin mary. She is The Little Jewish Girl Who Was Raped by God!
14 January 2009, on 7:56 pm
Happy New Year, everyone! Thanks for checking up on me, Star and ChuckA. My work gives us a long winter holiday, and I don’t have a computer at home, and a house full of family meant I didn’t get a chance to blog from the library, and then I caught a nasty cold, and–aw, hell. I’m back and hope to post soon!
Cool post, jimmer; I wonder where Barbiebrains is to tell us more about the uber-creepy Mexican version of catlickism? Talk about “visions” and “miracles;” the entire country practically stops on the saint day for its patroness, the Virgin of Guadalupe, seen in a vision and reputedly a worker of miracles…
14 January 2009, on 8:01 pm
Yeah jimmer, I guess I must be an ascended master, why would the virgin mary manifest itself to me, that’s a sign, hang on I’ve just got to look into my hat,mmmmmmmmmm{ looking into hat whilst speaking in tongues, woogly woo woo zippy zam yippee yi yo kiyam nyuk nyuk nyuk grrr } well I’ve just consulted my hat and got off the phone with L RON, apparently I’m not an ascended master after all, I’m just a very naughty boy, damn, hang on I’m just getting channelled again, oh yeah baby channel me good, mmmm ah ha yep ok, well that was the pope who wanted to let me know that he reckons I am an ascended master, apparently he says that the profit muham/mad had fucked around with my hats reception and I got the wrong channel, Fuck muham/mad, so there you have it jimmer conclusive proof that I may possibly be an ascended master, hope that clears that up……………………..
14 January 2009, on 8:24 pm
Eve
Great to see err? Ah hear er ahh Read you again. Hope you had a good holiday season.
Hoffy
Perfectly clear.
14 January 2009, on 8:56 pm
That’s easy. “All such claims are false”
One rule. Totally unambiguous.
14 January 2009, on 10:48 pm
Can you imagine writing “demonologist” on an application for a loan or something?
Eve, you are welcome and we will be waiting patiently for your post when you have time.
15 January 2009, on 10:27 am
Well, if “real-life Demonologists could include exorcists and scholars who study works such as the Lesser Key of Solomon”, then I guess I’ve got a claim – I’ve at least read the Lesser Key. A huge pile of psuedo-cabbalistic cobblers, but quite interesting from a historical point of view. Especially for its assertion (common in such texts prior to about the 17th C) that it’s only by the power of God that “demons” can be commanded… So, provided that you are a pure, righteous and Godly man, maintain ritual purity, and perform the correct invocations, you can command demons to smite your enemies, bring you treasure, and force beautiful naked members of the gender of your choice to appear before you and do your bidding (Yes, it explicitly offers the choice of gender, despite the fact that the demands of ritual purity exclude women.) Exactly how any of those outcomes are compatible with the precondition of Godly righteousness is never adequately explained…
I’d love to be able to give my profession as “demonologist” – I’m sure it would be a great conversation starter at parties. (I happen to know a historical educator and re-enactor who gives his occupation as “Professional Viking”, for much the same reason.)
15 January 2009, on 11:57 am
Especially for its assertion (common in such texts prior to about the 17th C) that it’s only by the power of God that “demons” can be commanded
But Dunc, dontcha know that Gawd “fills their body” and is the one doing the commanding?
These god-believers have a whole bunch of made-up answers for anything you throw at them. Hard to argue against someone who is simply pulling shit out of their asses in response.
15 January 2009, on 1:18 pm
But Dunc, dontcha know that Gawd “fills their body” and is the one doing the commanding?
Not in the historical period in question. That’s a Pentecostal notion, isn’t it?
15 January 2009, on 1:39 pm
Dunc, true in a historical period sense, but isn’t that what Catholics still believe? That their god is working through them when casting out demons and such?
16 January 2009, on 6:05 am
I have to admit I’m a little vague on the exact details of how Catholics view exorcism in practice…
17 January 2009, on 11:04 pm
I like how they “will assess the content of any heavenly messages to see if they contravene Church teachings.”
So if jesus comes back and says “Actually im OK with homos” he’s going to be excommunicated
17 January 2009, on 11:48 pm
Hey Pyrette, haven’t seen you in a long while!
19 January 2009, on 7:26 am
I’ve been here; watching silently like a cat and waiting for my moment to pounce , MUAAHAAHAHA!!
19 January 2009, on 12:42 pm
Pyrette! Good to hear from you and glad to know you are still hanging around.