On April 27, I posted an article on this blog titled “It Kinda Sorta Maybe Could Be … Noah’s Ark,” about a group of “evangelical archaeologists” from Noah’s Ark Ministries finding what they believed to be the remains of the big biblical boat in Turkey.  I am deeply and profoundly unsurprised to announce that they were wrong.

According to the Christian Science Monitor, a former member of the Chinese-led team, evangelical Christian archaeologist Dr. Randall Price, said, “If the world wants to think this is a wonderful discovery, that’s fine.  My problem is that, in the end, proper analysis may show this to be a hoax and negatively reflect how gullible Christians can be.”  From the Monitor:

Dr. Price, who is director of the Center for Judaic Studies at the conservative Liberty University in Lynchburg, Va., was the archaeologist on the Chinese-led team in 2008 when this alleged discovery was first made. He says he has “difficulties with a number of issues related to the evidence at hand.”

Price declined to elaborate. However, a leaked email from Price – which he confirms that he wrote – shows that he has reason to believe that a group of local Kurdish men trucked wood up to the mountain and staged an elaborate hoax for the Chinese team.

A group of Kurdish workers “are said to have planted large wood beams taken from an old structure in the Black Sea area (where the photos were originally taken) at the Mt. Ararat site. … During the summer of 2009 more wood was planted inside a cave at the site. The Chinese team went in the late summer of 2009 (I was there at the time and knew about the hoax) and was shown the cave with the wood and made their film,” Price writes in the email.

Boy oh boy.  When somebody from Liberty University says your ark is a hoax, you’re sunk.

On his blog Pharyngula, biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris, PZ Myers wrote, “You can hardly blame the Turks around Ararat. There’s a lot of money being poured into the local economy from these numerous creationist expeditions.  It only makes sense to salt a few sites with chunks of wood.”

This is far from the first claim that Noah’s ark has been found, and it’s doubtful that it will be the last.  The search for the big boat is so neverending that a community of ark-search enthusiasts has grown around it, not unlike UFO enthusiasts who gather to rehash stories of Roswell and alien abductions.  Some searches seem to crumble into nothing while others are revealed as deliberate hoaxes.  In an article titled “Sun Goes Down in Flames: The Jammal Ark Hoax” in volume 2, number 3 of Skeptic magazine, Jim Lippard tells the long, involved and wildly entertaining story of how CBS — the television network — was duped into airing a “documentary” called The Incredible Discovery of Noah’s Ark from Sun Pictures International.  You might remember Sun Pictures — they were responsible for such “documentaries” as Ghosts from the Dead, The Lincoln Conspiracy, The Bermuda Triangle, and one about Bigfoot called The Mysterious Monster, as well as the 1980 feature film about a government conspiracy involving space aliens, Hangar 18.

The Incredible Discovery of Noah’s Ark featured a segment in which a man named George Jammal spoke of visiting the ark on Mt. Ararat and showed a piece of wood taken from the structure.  Had Sun Pictures done any research on Jammal, they would’ve found that others in the ark-search community doubted his story from the beginning.  But they did not.  The “documentary” presented Jammal’s story as fact, and during a “dramatization” of his visit to the ark’s resting place, the narrator claimed, “Samples of the wood taken from the vessel have been dated to the time when the Bible indicates a worldwide flood occurred.”  But in fact, the wood hadn’t even been tested.  Jammal later admitted his story and the wood were a hoax.  Even worse, Jammal wasn’t the only person featured in the “documentary” whose story was questionable.

Sun Pictures claimed that it presented all available information and did not have an opinion about the ark one way or the other.  But as Lippard points out, that clashes with the very title — The Incredible Discovery of Noah’s Ark — which claims not only that the ark exists, but has been discovered.  So Sun did have an opinion from the outset.  Also damaging Sun’s credibility was the background of its chief researcher, David Balsiger.  In his article, Lippard points out that Balsiger –

has a past history of involvement with Christian hoaxes.  During the early seventies, Balsiger wrote both books and newsletter articles for the Christian publisher Logos International. He ghost authored or co-authored a number of “autobiographical” books giving Christian testimonies, including Fernand Navarra’s Noah’s Ark: I Touched It, self-proclaimed former Satanist turned Christian comedian Mike Warnke’s The Satan Seller, and faith healer Morris Cerullo’s The Back Side of Satan.  Warnke’s story was exposed as a hoax in a lengthy article in the Christian magazine Cornerstone in 1992, though Balsiger continues to defend it.  Cerullo, for whom both Balsiger and Warnke worked prior to the formation of Warnke’s own ministry, has come under heavy fire from Christian critics for his incredible claims (e.g., that he was taken from an orphanage by angels and transported to heaven for a face-to-face meeting with god) and unorthodox theology.  Logos International, which is no longer in business, also published a hoaxed biography of a former rabbi turned Christian and a book which initiated the “urban legend” about NASA computers discovering a “missing day ” and proving the biblical account of Joshua making the sun stand still.

Noah’s Ark, Satanists, faith healers, missing days … what’s with all this Christian hoaxing?  To hear them talk, they have the only truth.  Everyone else, it seems, is wrong — the Jews, the Muslims, the Hindus, the Buddhists, the New Agers, the Scientologists, the scientists, the atheists, the Democrats, the poor people of Haiti who brought that terrible earthquake down on their own heads, the entire population of San Francisco, to name just a few.  The Christians possess the One and Only Absolute Truth of salvation through their lord and savior Jesus Christ.

So if it’s so true, why all the hoaxing?

Perhaps we can uncover some explanation for that by going to the source, the bible, where we find the story of Noah and the ark.

According to the Book of Genesis, god was startled to discover that humankind had become deeply wicked.  Apparently he hadn’t been keeping track.  Perhaps he’d been busy with other things and we’d gotten naughty while he wasn’t paying attention.  No particular offenses are specified, but we’re told that humanity was just really, really, really not good.  God decided he was sorry he’d created the damned things and, not in a very good mood, decided to wipe them off the face of the earth.  But there was one man god liked.  His name was Noah.  He was 600 years old.

Wait, wait — where are you going?  I’m not making this up as I go along.  That’s what the book says — that he was 600 years old.  Really!

So, instead of just blinking his eyes or twitching his nose and making the nasty human race disappear from the earth, god decided to send a flood to wipe out everyone and everything he’d spent six whole days out of his busy schedule creating.  He told this 600 year old man to build a gigantic boat in which he could save a bunch of animals from the flood.

Now, there seems to be some confusion in the infallible revealed word of god as to god’s instructions to Noah regarding the animals.  According to Genesis 6:19, god told Noah, “And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.”  However, according to Genesis 7:2 and 3, god said, “Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.  Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth. ”  Now, many bible believers explain that what god really meant in this passage was that Noah was to take seven pairs of animals — that way, it matches up with the verse in chapter six.  Of course, the only problem with that explanation is that, according to the book, god didn’t say seven pairs, he just said seven.  Maybe it was a clerical error — even god might have trouble getting good help.

So, following god’s instructions, this single solitary man — who, remember, was 600 years old — built this massive boat big enough to hold two or seven — depending on which verse in Genesis you prefer (seven pairs if you believe the believers) — of every species of animal on the planet.  And he built it out of cypress wood and pitch.  Did I mention that he did this by himself?

Once the ark was built, god sent all the animals to Noah.  The bible does not describe how god got animals from other continents on the planet to congregate around Noah and his big boat, but I’m sure there’s a perfectly rational explanation for the whole thing that god, in his infinite and infallible wisdom, has chosen not to share.  Then, Noah and his wife, his three sons Shem, Ham and Japheth and their wives, entered the ark.

A week later — “In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month,” according to Genesis 7:11 — water exploded from under the ground and it began to rain, and the entire planet, including all of its mountains, was submerged.  It rained for 40 days and 40 nights, and the earth remained flooded for 150 days because god wanted to make sure that everything was damned good and dead.  “And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth,” according to Genesis 8:13, and Noah and his family and all of the animals came out of the ark and completely repopulated the entire globe.

Yes, that’s right.  Noah — who was 600 years old — and his wife — who I’m guessing was no debutante — and their three sons and their wives — how young could they be if Dad was 600? — repopulated the whole planet all by themselves.

Oh, and all of the earth’s wildlife was located in one spot.

That’s the story of Noah and the ark.

But, Ray, you say, how can anyone take that story as a literal record of an actual event? How is it possible that anyone living today, knowing what we now know about the earth and water and all the laws of science, could believe to be true such an obvious myth?

Well, they do.  I certainly did.  For a while, anyway.  It was early in my life, somewhere in that age range between, “Of course eight flying reindeer can get Santa Claus to every single house on the planet in one night,” and, “Why wouldn’t the Easter Bunny deliver colored hardboiled eggs?”  As I got older, though, I began to have my doubts.  These doubts were expressed by a still, small voice somewhere in the back of my mind.  The adult figures of authority in my life — every last one of them Seventh-day Adventists — identified the still, small voice as the holy spirit trying to guide me and keep me on the path to the truth.  But I was pretty sure the holy spirit wouldn’t say the things that were being said by the still, small voice in the back of my mind.  Things like, “Do you believe this shit they’re saying?” and, “Are these people out of their fucking minds?”

Unfortunately, when it was explained to me that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny didn’t really exist, Noah and the ark — and Moses parting the Red Sea and god poofing the earth into existence by magic and Joshua stopping the sun as it revolved around the earth and a virgin giving birth and a dead man rising from his grave — were not included in that explanation.  All of those things, I was told, really did happen and any information to the contrary came directly from the devil himself.  And everyone in my life — all my friends, all their parents, all the adults, and even people who weren’t Sadventists — backed that up.  So when those things just didn’t seem to make sense to me and that still, small voice in the back of my mind started saying things like, “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” it conflicted with what I perceived to be — what I had been taught was — reality and I thought the fault was with me.  In fact, my questions and doubt were specifically identified by all those around me as some kind of dysfunction, a common ailment among Christians known as “the work of the devil.”

As I got older, I found that even outside the very tightknit world of Sadventism, people believed these stories to be literal truth.  It wasn’t just people in my own church who accepted these things as reality — it seemed to be almost everyone.  So even when I reached and passed the age when I should have known better, my questions had been browbeaten into silence and I had been conditioned to believe the cognitive dissonance in my life was a shameful dysfunction of mine.

And that, my friends, is how it happens.

Now, looking back on those years, I recognize that dysfunction as rational thought, which was deliberately strangled in me.  At no point was I given a choice.  No one said to me, “Would you like to believe that these colorful, exciting stories are absolutely true and happened exactly as described in the bible, or would you prefer to think rationally?”  I wasn’t offered the choice between blind belief and rational thought, and as a result, I had no idea there was a difference.   My rational thinking was stamped out like a lit cigarette.  And it continues to be stamped out all around us, every day, in homes and churches and private schools — all too often (despite that pesky United States Constitution), even in public schools — so that today, in the year 2010, there are people out there searching for Noah’s ark … and the ark of the covenant, and the spear that pierced Jesus’s side, and maybe even the holy grail of “evangelical archaeologists” — a fossil of a person riding a dinosaur!  Yabba dabba doo!

So, back to my question:  Why the deception?  Well, for one thing, when the story you want to convince people is true is the story of Noah’s ark, you pretty much have no choice but to rely on hoaxes, do you?  But I think there are primarily two reasons for the deception.

First of all, when the belief system that informs your entire life requires you to believe something like the story of Noah’s ark — to accept it as fact — life is much easier when everyone else accepts it as fact, too.  Unfortunately for you, there is an expanding group of people who refuse to accept such stories as true.  They call the bible mythology — or worse, superstition.  Clearly, these people are thinking too much.  They are afflicted with that disorder that has reached epic proportions throughout the world — “the work of the devil” (aka rational thought).  They are in danger of losing eternal life.  Somehow, this must be remedied.  If they can be made to believe one of the stories of the bible is true, then perhaps they will reconsider all of them.  If they were to believe that Noah’s ark had been found, they might be saved.  Sure, a hoax would be dishonest — but it would be for a noble purpose.  Besides, Jesus will forgive you.  That’s his job.

That reason, of course, gives them the benefit of the doubt and assumes that they are at least somewhat sincere.

The other reason?  What else.  Money!  Finding Noah’s ark — or being a former Satanist, or being a faith healer — is the kind of thing that sells books and videos and fills auditorium seats with the butts of Christians eager to believe … and eager to give till it hurts when the plate is passed.

So this time, in the case of the “ark” discovered in Turkey by Noah’s Ark Ministries, it was the Christians being hoaxed, but for the usual reason — money.

But they’re still looking.  And there are plenty of people behind them.  According to a February 16, 2004, Washington Times article, an ABC News poll conducted among 1,011 adults with a margin of error of 3 percentage points found that Americans, as we know all too well, take bible stories very seriously:

61 percent of Americans believe the account of creation in the Bible’s book of Genesis is “literally true” rather than a story meant as a “lesson.”  Sixty percent believe in the story of Noah’s ark and a global flood, while 64 percent agree that Moses parted the Red Sea to save fleeing Jews from their Egyptian captors.

As Myers wrote, there are enough Christians spending a lot of money in their search for the ark for the locals to go to the trouble of devising hoaxes to keep them coming.  And spending … and spending … and spending.  All of this money comes from the owners of those Christian butts that fill those seats to hear the promise of making this bible story a reality.  A lot of them are people who (as I once was) are not even aware of the fact that they have a choice between blind belief and rational thought — and worse, don’t even know the difference between the two.

I find this need for proof confusing and, at times, infuriating.  Have a long enough discussion with any Christian about his beliefs and at some point, he will say, “I don’t have to provide proof of anything to you because this is my faith, and faith doesn’t need proof.”  Fine.  I can buy that.  But this same Christian will seize upon the smallest shred of apparent evidence to prove that his faith is fact.  That kind of faith is not very strong.  Or perhaps it’s only faith when his back is against the wall in a conversation in which he hasn’t a leg to stand on.  The rest of the time, however, it’s fact, and all he needs is one little bit of “proof” so that everyone else will see that it’s fact, too.  After all, the only way to deal with those party-pooping nonbelievers is to convince them your faith is fact with proof because … well, because you just can’t burn them at the stake anymore.

Not right now, anyway.  But give them time.